Ted: Ah. There you are son.
Fred: Oh um. Hello Daddy.
Ted: Hello. Yes I suddenly realize I never taught you about online safety.
Fred: Online safety?
Ted: Yes it's just important as personal... as real life safety I mean.
Fred: Oh no don't you worry Daddy I'm very safe when I'm online
Fred: When I go online and I'm very careful and and I make sure I don't go anywhere that's dangerous
Fred: And um yeah especially so I don't look at things like volcanoes
Ted: Um yes that's good yes.
Fred: Yes and um what else would you not want me to do?
Fred: Oh yes I definitely never ever ever ever look at like fail videos or anything
Fred: like that no no
Ted: That's good son but I'll need to access your browser settings to make sure you can't access them even if you wanted to.
Fred: oh no don't you worry about that Daddy I've already enabled parental controls anyway
Fred: yeah because I'm such a good boy
Ted: Yes well good boy son
Fred: Yes you don't need to worry whatsoever and you better not look at my browser history.
Ted: What about social media?
Ted: I hope you're not on Facebook or anything like that.
Fred: Oh you already know I am on Facebook daddy remember? Because Kevin Spacey invited me to his gentleman's group.
Ted: Oh god I completely forgot about that.
Fred: Yes I've been on Facebook for a very long time actually.
Fred: Since well at least a couple of years now.
Ted: What!?
Fred: Yes and I've got thousands of friends
Ted: What!
Fred: yeah and they're all really great well
Fred: Although weirdly easy most of them seems to be like forty year old men
Ted: What!
Fred: Yeah yeah but they're all really nice to me. They talk to me about things and are like
Fred: "Hey little boy. How are you?"
Fred: "Would you like to come over to my house?"
Ted: No!
Fred: Do you want some sweeties again? Ted: No!
Fred: But I have learnt about that yeah and I say no thank you mr. man I don't want any sweeties.
Fred: But then they are like "could you send me a picture?"
Fred: And I'm like "Oh I'm great at taking pictures" Ted: What!
Fred: So sometimes I send them like nice pictures like I'm smiling
Fred: sometimes they...
Fred: One man wanted to know what the bath was like he was like
Fred: "Can you take a picture in the bath?"
Fred: And I was like "well I guess so" Ted: What!
Fred: No don't worry Daddy. I just sent him a picture of the bath and then he was a bit confused
Ted: Oh.
Fred: But then I sent him a picture of me in the bath and he was very happy
Ted: What! No!
Fred: Sometimes but they're very nice about it.
Fred: Sometimes they send me money.
Ted: Money!?
Fred: Sometimes they are like
Fred: Little boy. Can you take some pictures of yourself and then I'll give you some money?
Fred: And that's why I have lots of money now
Ted: No No No No son.
Ted: I'm getting you off Facebook immediately.
Fred: One man paid me a pound for 20 photos of me.
Ted: What?
Fred: Yes so much money daddy. You think of all the things I could buy with a pound.
Fred: I could buy like some sweeties or I could buy some crayons
Ted: No son! bang bang
Ted: I'm going to... I am banning you immediately from Facebook
Ted: I'm afraid you have no idea what you're doing here.
Fred: Oh no don't you worry daddy. All those people are fine.
Fred: They're really good friends. Sometimes they were talking about having like a meet-up in real life
Fred: and about 20 of the men wanted to meet with me at one time.
Fred: Just me and then 20 of these forty year old men.
Fred: And they said something about like like cottaging or something
Fred: and then like I think that's where we all go and stay in the cottage
Fred: and then something about like glory holes
Ted: WHAT!
Fred: They said I would be inside the glory hole Ted: No!
Fred: But that sounds amazing because I really like glory.
Fred: I wonder if it's a bit like um you know like when you win a war
Fred: Or something like that. Ted: No! No! Freddy!
Ted: Freddy! Freddy! Fred: So I think we're going to be doing something where I'm gonna be celebrated by twenty men who are all
Ted: Freddy? Fred: Yes?
Ted: This is not good. They want to exploit you.
Fred: No no no Daddy. They're not gonna exploit me. What are you talking about?
Fred: They just said something about um er.
Fred: Yes they said something about...
Fred: Giving me a golden shower or something.
Ted: What!
Fred: But that sounds like they want to give me lots of money or something. I'm so excited. Ted: NO!
Fred: It sounds like I won something or something.
Ted: NO Freddy. Come here.
Fred: Ooh! And one man offered me a facial
Ted: WHAT!
Fred: Yeah a facial daddy. He said I could go round to his house and he give me a facial.
Fred: And I'm like look I'm getting all sorts of free treatments and like beauty treatments and stuff
Fred: All offered to me by these lovely 40 year old men.
Ted: No! Freddy! Stop!
Ted: These men are grooming you
Fred: Oh yes yes. They're really nice. I quite like grooming Ted: NO!
Ted: Grooming is not good in this context.
Fred: What do you mean? I need all of my fur groomed.
Fred: Look at me. You never comb me
Ted: You don't need to be combed.
Fred: Yes I do. To keep my hair nice and lovely and that's what the men say. They say
Fred: Ooh you have really lovely fur little boy and I'm like
Fred: Oh thank you so much and they're like oh I'd like to groom you and I'm like
Fred: Well you can. You can groom me as much as you like if we make my furrow nice
Fred: And then you can send me more compliments
Ted: No no!
Fred: And they give me lots of compliments so now I just take pictures of myself and put it on Instagram
Fred: and then all of the forty year old men send me likes.
Ted: No Freddy!
Ted: I'm getting you off right now! I'm gonna go and...
Fred: Oh you're getting me off!
Fred: Actually one of the men said that he wanted to get me off
Ted: NOOOOO!
Fred: Yes but I was like why would I want to get off on Facebook? That would be weird so I didn't.
Ted: Well good. No this is not good.
Ted: I'm deleting your Facebook account right now.
Fred: Oh well I don't think you can do that because you haven't got the password
Ted: Well I I'm contacting Facebook immediately and getting this sorted.
Fred: [Fred] Good luck with that. Yeah
Fred: Good luck to speaking to anyone at Facebook
Fred: That'll be the day. Ted: You are violating their terms of service.
Fred: Oh yes I'm sure they will. I'm sure they'll really listen to you.
Fred: They don't listen to the bloody American government but they're still gonna listen to you aren't they daddy? Oh I'm scared.
Ted: Yes they are.
Ted: You're too young to use Facebook. You're meant to be 13 or older but you're not 13.
Ted: You're like five.
Fred: They don't know that. I said I was 13. [Laughs]
Ted: I will show Facebook you are not.
Ted: I'm gonna go and contact them right now. This is ridiculous.
Fred: No! Daddy. Please don't delete my Facebook!
Fred: Oh but then I can't speak to Harvey Weinstein anymore. Ohh!
Fred: I love Harvey Weinstein so much and I love Kevin Spacey.
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