- [Katie] Hi, everybody. It's Katie. Today, we're gonna talk about something
that I don't know a whole lot about, but I have an amazing friend here to share,
and it's adoption. So if you're ever wondered about adoption, what it's like,
how do you go about doing it, what does the process look like,
stick with us. We're gonna talk about it. So I'd like to introduce you to one of my
very best friends. Her name is O'Lita, and she and her husband have had the wonderful
pleasure of adopting an amazing little girl who I actually just got to meet
today. She's like 15 months now?
- [O'Lita] 15 months.
- Oh, my gosh. And I just got to meet her today and she's so cute,
so cute. I love her. Her name is Noa and, as I said, she's about 15 months.
And they were able to actually…they got her as soon as she was born so she's been
with them since she was born. So, anyway, I wanted to talk with you,
O'Lita, a little bit about the process and what you went through and how it went.
Because, honestly, I wouldn't know. And unless you engage in the process,
you don't know. I think that there's a lot of wisdom that you can share with people
who may be kind of wondering about it. So I have some questions for you,
and I guess the first one is was it an easy decision to decide to adopt?
Was it difficult? Was it easier for you than it was your husband?
How did that look?
- So for Nick and I, I think the short answer is it was actually a pretty easy
decision. However, it came differently than we thought it would.
When we got married, we knew that we wanted to adopt. However,
we thought that the adoption would come after having our own biological children,
and that isn't the plan that God had for us, clearly. We struggled with infertility
for about seven years, had a lot of loss and a lot of hard times related to that,
but ultimately I've always had a heart for adoption. So the timing,
I was ready a little bit sooner than he was. We waited for a little bit but then
he was ready, and I was absolutely onboard. So we started the very scary,
intimidating process of adopting our first daughter.
- Very cool. If you don't mind sharing the story that you told me,
O'Lita's told me a really cute story about...was it your volleyball team,
I think, when you were in high school?
- Yeah. So I was actually in college and I happen to think that little black baby
boys are the cutest little guys ever. And my teammates would tease me a little bit
because I would see them and I love children and I would gravitate towards all
kiddos. So if there were any kids in the gymnasium, I was definitely there.
I wanted to meet them, I wanted to talk to them. So, obviously,
part of my adoption heart right there. And so they would tease me about putting,
this is terrible probably to say, but tease me about putting little babies in my
backpack. Like just taking them, like "Oh, here, I'll just take this little kiddo
with me." So from a very early age, I actually remember being in the seventh
grade, I know exactly where I was, I myself made the decision to adopt.
So I knew I would be an adoptive mother at some point in my life and was blessed
enough to find a husband that also had the same heart.
- That shared that. Yeah. That's so good. So I know that there's,
just through what I know of what you've gone through, I know that there's a lot of
agencies and a lot of different ways to adopt a child. How did you chose an agency
and how did you make the decision to go with the style of adoption that you did?
- Sure. Once you make the decision to adopt, then everything else comes.
And that is probably, getting started is the most intimidating part,
is where to go, who do I talk to, financially can I afford it, how long is
the wait. There's so many things that flood your mind. How are my friends
and family, how's everybody else going to take in our decision to adopt?
Our family was amazing. We got very fortunate that everybody was
extremely supportive. So we started our search into finding the right agency.
And I think that's probably one of the most important things to do is find the
agency that fits with you. There's a couple of different things you can do.
You can hire an attorney that specifically deals with adoption law.
And there are any number of things. Sometimes they can be slightly more
expensive, but your wait time can be slightly less. You could go with a
traditional agency and they bring in people every day and you go on a waitlist,
which can be pretty tough because you go into a pool with 20, 30, 50
other couples who are trying to adopt at the same time and you go at the bottom
of that list. There are others that don't work that way. There's not so much anymore
straight-up closed adoptions, but I do believe that is still an option.
There is open, where you bring in your birth mom and she becomes one of your
family members. There's semi-open. There's all kinds of things that you have to sift
through in order to decide what to do. And you really have to listen to your heart
and what you are comfortable with. Anything that you aren't comfortable with,
that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that if you want a closed adoption,
for whatever the reason. If you want a 100% completely open adoption,
that's okay, too. We decided we went semi-open, and the woman who birthed Noa
is absolutely amazing lady and we love her. And there is definitely a time for
her in Noa's life and we're extremely excited about that and to see that
relationship develop. So for us, given we wanted semi-open, we ended up going with a
attorney's office that has an adoption outreach program. So they are called Adopt
Help. They are amazing. They are based in Sherman Oaks, California and I have
nothing but great things to say about the way that they organize their process to
adopt. They're very open. You can come in and you have a consultation with them.
And immediately after we spoke with one of the case workers there and the attorneys
there, it was immediate comfort.
- Felt like, "This is a good fit."
- We felt, "This is the place," and we've never looked back
and they've been great. And when we adopt again, we likely will,
we will definitely use their services again.
- Yeah, I remember you saying that they did a really good job and you felt honored
in the process. Can you explain just kind of in general terms what the process
looked like after you went in and had your consultation and figured all that out?
- Sure.
- How did that go?
- So one of the things that is slightly different with the attorney's
office is we were able to get things moving a little bit quicker than a
traditional agency. Now, I want to preface that it might have been just the agencies
that we were looking at. So, please, do your research, interview a lot of
different agencies, because there are lots of different ways that you can do it.
But the few that we were looking at, Adopt Help was our clear winner.
Their lead times were slightly quicker. So we got very fortunate,
this does not happen for everybody, but our process went very,
very quickly. Which was also very intimidating and scary, that it went as
quickly as it did. But we came in, we met with the attorney, and basically the way
their process worked was you paid a lump sum upfront which started the outreach
program. So you have a case worker, you have people on the phone who are
constantly fielding calls from women who are having babies and contemplating giving
their babies up for adoption. Once that birth mom becomes so far along in her
pregnancy, they generally wait until at least midway into the second trimester
before they match you with a family. So all of that is kind of working immediately
when you start with Adopt Help. And as a side thing that you are doing,
as the couple or the person looking to adopt, is you are working with a state
agency to get your home basically inspected. Make sure that things are
child-proofed. That you have, you know, that you're...
- It's safe. You don't have a pack of rabid dogs.
- Exactly, exactly. That pools are enclosed. They also do a pretty deep dive
into your personal relationship, which I think we weren't expecting.
They ask you a lot about you and your significant other's relationship.
So how long you've been together? And some of those questions can get pretty personal
and it's really interesting. So that was something we certainly weren't expecting.
But you have a one-on-one interview and then you have an interview together,
on top of this home inspection, and it takes some time. It took us probably two
months, if I'm remembering correctly, just to completely finish that full cycle to be
approved and okayed to adopt a baby. So that was going on and we actually,
due to the nature of the way Adopt Help worked, we were matched with a birth mom
before we were fully approved. So that created a little bit of like, "Okay,
we have to definitely make sure we are approved before we can go any further."
We did and it ended up working great. So within a few months of coming in,
paying our first fee, we were matched and had a baby on the way.
- Yeah.
- And there's a few other idiosyncrasies within the process as far as the financial
aspect goes. Because you can pay in installments and once you get matched,
then you end up having to pay a lump sum. Every agency works that a little
differently. What I would advise adoptive parents to do is make sure you fully
understand the way that system works before going into it so you're not
surprised when they start calling you for the financial contribution that you have.
- Yeah. That's a big one.
- So just make sure you fully understand that. Because everybody's is slightly
different, when you do what. And the other thing I guess
that I'll note is really anybody can adopt. I remember Nick and I both being
very worried that financially we wouldn't be able to do it. But there are any number
of things that you can do this day and age that will allow you to get the finances in
order, in order to do that. So if finance is one of the reasons that keeps you from
wanting to adopt or makes you fearful of that, don't let it be.
Because it wouldn't matter how much money you spend, it's 100% worth it.
And you can find it, there's ways to find it.
- Good, I agree. Are there any highs or lows that you want to
share about the process?
- There are a ton. When you decide to adopt, everybody tells you it's an
emotional rollercoaster. So you go in knowing that, sort of. But it's just the
craziest ride you will ever be on prior to having the kid in your home.
Just the start of that is pretty crazy. Another thing that you have to be aware of
is that adoptions don't always work out, that sometimes these moms,
who are amazing and great, they change their minds. And that's okay.
It's gotta be very tough to give up a baby. But it happens and you get so vested
in them and their soon-to-be baby and soon-to-be your baby, that that can be a
pretty tough pill to swallow. We had a failed adoption attempt.
We matched in August. The baby was going to be due in November.
We went all the way cross-country to pick up this little girl and her mother changed
her mind. And it's devastating. It's very, very sad. But, oddly enough,
there was a sense of peace through all of that craziness that was ever-present.
And it really was that she was not our baby, she was intended to stay with her
mom. And within two weeks, we were then matched with Noa's birth mom,
who was... I got a call at work and they're, "Hey, we've got a baby."
- I remember that call.
- "She's due in... She's having her in two hours."
- "She's in labor."
- "Can you get there?" And we were like "Yes, absolutely, on our way." It happened
in the blink of an eye, two weeks later we got our daughter. And she is very much our
daughter. She fit in perfectly. I can't imagine not having her in our life.
So with the failed attempt, which was definitely a low, you get the high of
getting your baby. And then there are many more before that, just trying to navigate
through. Getting approved for your home, then the waiting, and then we get matched
and then things are going maybe a little weird, like we're worried that maybe she's
going to change her mind. And all of those things are very normal and you've just got
to roll with the punches because adoption agencies will always tell you,
"It's not a matter of 'if, ' it's a matter of 'when. '" And you really have to
remember that because you will get a baby.
- Yeah, I remember that phone call. You called me and said "There's a baby.
She's in labor now." So then you drove over and got her. That was amazing.
So there's one question that I actually probably should have asked you a little
bit earlier, and that is what does it mean to get matched and how does that work?
How does a mother and a family wanting to adopt, how do you get matched and is there
anything that you do? How do you present yourself to let a mother decide that
that's what she wants?
- So matching is when a birth mother and/or birth father, because sometimes it
isn't just the female, sometimes people come in as couples wanting to give the
baby up for adoption, which is amazing. They have chosen you from all other
prospective parents. So most agencies, or at least our agency,
what you do is you go in and you fill out a form that says "This is what we're
looking for." You pick ethnicity, you pick sex, and again this is something where you
shouldn't be embarrassed by what your filters are. There's options to adopt
special needs children. You name it and you can adopt. And you just have to be
very true to yourself about what you're going to put in these filters.
And the reason you do that is because you don't want to miss out on a potential
birth mom, somebody who is looking for you, wanting you to care for their child.
You want to make sure that you're true to yourself so you can be true to them and do
what they're looking for you to do for their kiddo. So you fill out this form and
then your agency knows, "Okay, these are the mothers that we are going to present
your baby to." It was very funny. Nick was very adamant about a boy,
naturally. So we had agreed that we were going to send our booklet,
which I will get to in just a second, we will send our booklet to moms who know
they're having baby boys and moms who don't know what they're having.
But we were meant to have a girl because both of the birth moms that we were
working with, they had girls. They didn't know what they were having and then we
found out with the first mom.
- Both girls.
It was a girl. And then when we showed up to pick up
Noa, she was a girl. So it was quite funny and he was, of course,
ecstatic, but it was just interesting that he tried to weasel his way in there and it
didn't work.
- But God was like "Nope, you guys are gonna have a girl."
- We were meant to have a girl. So what happens is you put together a pamphlet,
and every agency does them slightly different. Most of the time they're like
leaflets. They're 12 pages long of just pictures of who you are, you write a
little blurb about yourself, you can write it about your husband and him about you,
or vice versa. You just tell them who you are, what you intend to do,
what you want to show this baby that they're gonna entrust to you,
and it's a great way for them to get to know you, see where you live and things
like that. So these birth moms, I can't even imagine having to make this decision.
- Yeah. Wow.
- They get any number of these booklets. So for our birth mom, she got, I believe,
20 booklets, I want to say.
- This was Noa's mom?
- This was Noa's mom. So she had an interesting situation. She knew she wanted
to adopt, or give her baby up for adoption, but she didn't mean to wait
until the last minute, kind of did, but then Noa came early. So by the time she
got to the hospital, she actually hadn't made a selection. She was doing all of
her stuff with the agency to get prepped for adoption. So they sent her
electronically these portfolios, these resumes, these books on these
families who were waiting to have babies. She had to make kind of a last minute...
- A quick decision?
- ...game time decision, and we're so fortunate that we were the choice.
But you get these books and these birth moms choose you from
what they see, what you write, what you say you want to do with your child.
As an adoptive parent, I would say do your research on what birth moms actually look
at. Because it's very different than what you think it would be and everybody's
different. So I encourage you to look. There's lots of stories now that circulate
about birth moms telling why they picked somebody and so on and so forth.
And it's just very, very heartwarming and it's very neat to see the process these
women, and sometimes their significant others, their decision to who they pick.
- Who they entrust.
- Yeah, and it's great. So, ultimately, matching is when the birth mother
chooses you.
- Okay, perfect. Okay. Well, we're going to wrap up here pretty quick,
but I wanted to ask are there any final thoughts that you wanted to share about
adoption with our viewers?
- I think probably one of the most amazing things about adoption is it has an
interesting… We get a lot of "Oh, my gosh, you guys did such a great thing." And we
did. We love that we were able to adopt but, ultimately, Noa's birth mom is the
one that did the most amazing thing. She selflessly gave her baby to us.
She entrusted us to take care of her, to get her everything that she needs.
And we just want to say there are so many reasons why women give their babies up for
adoption and they're not always the reasons that you think they may be.
So definitely go in with an open mind and an open heart because they deserve our
respect. It's an amazing journey and an amazing thing, and these women are doing
great things for their children, and that's very important to be noted.
- I love that. That's so good, very true. Well, I certainly know that my
understanding of adoption has gone from little bitty to like way, way bigger after
watching you walk through this and kind of walking through it with you on the side.
Well, thank you so much for being willing to share your story.
Like I said, I've learned a lot just in how it works and so I appreciate you
sharing with us, taking the time. So, guys, that's it. Thank you so much for
staying tuned and watching. We're going to put the name of the agency that O'Lita used
in the description below. If you like our video, please click "like."
And also, I would like to invited you to check out the rest of our YouTube channel.
We've got over 30 videos mostly about just mommyhood, baby stuff,
mommy stuff. So we'd love for you to check that out. Leave some comments. If you have
anything that you want to add to our discussion about adoption,
go ahead and feel free to leave a comment. We have a Facebook page if you want to
check that out, kind of get clicked in that way, that would be great.
Most of all thank you, guys, for your time and for watching us and hope you have a
good rest of your day.
Take care and we'll see you next time. Bye.
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