[typing] [piano music]
This video has been a long time coming.
It's a game that's eluded me for so many years
that I wasn't even sure it was real.
This is Read-A-Rama,
developed by Selena Studios and distributed by Maxis?
In 1995... supposedly.
As an avid fan of the company, I own every single product catalog they ever released–
to my knowledge–
and not a single time does Read-A-Rama or Selena Software
even get so much as mentioned in passing.
And online research hasn't helped much either,
because other than a handful of expired sales listings
and an unhelpfully vague library catalog entry,
the only evidence I can find that maybe this thing happened is
on page 3 of the résumé for actor Lani Minella.
According to this, she did voice acting for the game.
But that still doesn't tell me much and...
that sucks. This seems like a game with some stories to tell.
Everything about it just seems fishy.
The oversized Maxis logo,
the quotes saying how great it is without ever mentioning it by name.
And of course this absurd box art which is easily some of the worst I have ever laid eyes on.
But due to a viewer letting me know about this shrink-wrapped copy for $20 on eBay,
and I finally have a complete copy.
So let's go ahead and tear into this mystery once and for all and...
what?
Where's the game?! [yells]
As if this couldn't get any stranger, after years of searching,
all I get is a registration card.
Talk about vaporware.
Okay, so not all is lost because I found another eBay listing for the disc on its own.
Not only that but it came with Spell-A-Rama,
which is another elusive Selena Studios game
that's even harder to research.
But, yeah, now that I have both of these discs,
it's finally time to dive into them and see what's up.
Assuming they don't explode on use or erase my brain or something.
Thankfully, neither happened,
but the strangeness did its best to continue.
Not only did it fail to detect my Windows 98 computer's RAM,
but the errors referred to the program as "Chugalong."
I assume this was an earlier thing it was based on,
possibly a game called "Chugalong's Phonics" that
Lani Minella also is credited on.
On the quest for more info, I checked the install directory and, uh...
the installer didn't install a single thing whatsoever.
Seriously, other than placing some icons on the Start menu,
all it did was place a blank folder on the C: drive.
And, yeah, digging through the documentation on the disc,
once again, is no real help.
Selena Studios used an AOL email address,
an anonymous P.O. box in Las Vegas,
and doesn't credit anyone by name.
Heck, the most information- filled document it comes with
is a gigantic list of computer hardware manufacturers' contact information.
And of course, once I started up the game, it wouldn't run.
So, I booted up a Windows 3.1 setup and
while it didn't show any icons in the Program Manager,
it did at least play. So...
finally, at long last,
this... is Read-A-Rama.
[low humming]
[MIDI music]
So, yeah, this just keeps going...
for two minutes and 23 seconds, I kid you not.
This so-called "animation" running at 3 FPS
goes on for so long that it triggered my screensaver halfway through.
But then it's finally done and, well...
just watch.
[sitar plays]
[electronic Eastern music kicks in]
You know, something tells me we're in for some ridiculously embarrassing sterotypes
after that kind of intro– yep!
GENIE: Hi, there!
Ha! I got a problem!
Will you help?
I'm mortified!
I mean, a big guy like me,
and they give me this perfume bottle to live in.
LGR: Oh, God.
You know, I was hoping the box art would just be a bad representation
of what the game was like, but nope.
It is 110% flawless in that regard.
So, anyway, after selecting your difficulty, you're told you have to help this...
genie...
find his lamp,
since he's living in a perfume container and is getting a headache.
Yeah, me and you both, buddy.
Read-A-Rama is laid out like a board game
and you spin this wheel to move the genie around the board in search of his lamp!
What happens when you land on each space, though, is truly inspiring!
[electronic Eastern music]
DRUMMER: Thunder Drummer is my name...
Making noise is my game!
LGR: Dude...
I mean, I probably shouldn't expect any better from a game that starts
with a two-and-a-half-minute wank session over its own logo,
but this is the kind of awfulness that has to be SAVORED when you come across it.
DRUMMER: [playing drums] Have my drums so loud and clear
So you can make your journey without any fear...
of noise! [cymbal crash]
[LGR slow clapping]
So yeah, each spot on the board brings you to something pretty equally crap,
with names like Rainbow Girl, Lightning Dude and, of course,
Thunder Drummer here.
And, well, I guess this is the educational portion of the game
because it has you spelling, unscrambling
and matching various words to their pictures.
So it got the "Read" part of its name down,
but I'm still waiting for the "A-Rama" to come into play.
I'm not gonna spend any more time explaining this board game mode
because there's literally nothing more to explain!
Once you've reached the end, it's time to confront this delightful fellow.
GIANT: More. More!
Give me more...
LGR: Man, is this game off-putting!
And what the heck? Why is everyone always going on about how tired they are?
GIANT: I'm so tired.
GENIE: Oh, boy... I'm beat!
DUDE: [sighs] Sleepy...
WOMAN: But I'm "le tired..."
LGR: Whatever, once this giant goes to asleep, you have rustle around his abode...
in search of the genie's lamp
Clicking on things plays an animation no one cares about
and eventually one of the items will contain the lamp.
Or the pieces or whatever.
So finally, you put together a picture of the lamp
while the giant disgustingly snores right into your eardrums.
[ogre snoring]
[MIDI dance music plays and fades out]
GENIE: Great! Thanks so much!
- GENIE: Would you like to play again? - LGR: NO!
Alright, so I have to try Spell-A-Rama now because at least it has icons.
After the same unbelievably long intro
that I can't believe they've used for each of their games,
you're greeted with these highly marketable characters.
FLY: Whaddya know?!
I got that promotion I've been after for z-z-z-so long now!
FLY #2: [humming] Oh!
Let me take a peek at my lovely image.
Oh, yes, yes...
[cymbal crash]
FLY #1: Oh! What do you think you're doing?
Lady fliers...
shouldn't be allowed in the air!
LGR: Ah, yes. Nothing like a bit of casual woman bashing
to spice up a kids educational game.
Anyway, the stupid fly's lost his stupid keys
to his stupid New York City business or whatever.
So it's up to you to go down into the sewers to find it.
Yeah, that's where this game belongs,
so I'm glad it's going there.
From here, you have to navigate a maze
and along the way run into more people that are dead tired
because that seems to be the only trait they could come up with.
After this, I have no idea what happens
because the game refused to go any further
and just made fart sounds at me no matter what I did.
[static fart sounds]
I tried for about ten minutes before giving up.
But hey, if you wanna give it a go yourself, I've provided links to both this
and Read-A-Rama in the video description.
Not that I recommend disgracing your computer with the mere digital presence
of these pieces of sh**
but you know, in the interest of software preservation,
I'm just putting it out there.
Read- and Spell-A-Rama
are off-putting, barely educational and downright bizarre,
but not in a way that's enjoyable.
I was almost hoping for another Ninja Nanny-like experience,
but it's not nearly unhinged and surreal enough
to be appealing in the same way.
Nope, their relative obscurity is all these games have going for them and...
I can see why Maxis never promoted them or even said they had them for sale!
Honestly, I'm still not 100% convinced that Maxis had anything to do with these abominations,
and maybe Selena Studios or whoever
just slapped their logo on the box for name recognition.
And if you think that's a far-fetched accusation, I've seen weirder.
Just take a look at Jazz Jackrabbit's Poker Broker. That exists!
[sighs] Anyway,
I've wasted enough of my time and yours with this.
But I still hope you enjoyed Edutainment Month 2017.
And I'll see you next time!
And you enjoyed this video of...
this crap,
I've covered some weird things on LGR, so...
you know, stick around if you like that kind of... whatever I'm doing.
And as always, thank you very much for... you know...
Uh... my brain's scrambled, I can't...
[walking off mic] I'm just, I'm just gonna leave.
[door opens] I'm done...
[door closes]
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