Waching daily Nov 3 2018

- By the way, that's a whiskey drink

that I just pounded for 13 seconds.

Yeah, so probably about three minutes into this set

I'm just gonna be like, yeah, so (mimics vomiting)

♪ It's time for Brew-HaHa ♪

♪ The drinking game comedy show ♪

♪ Drink when the light flashes ♪

♪ Brew-HaHa ♪

♪ The drinking game comedy show ♪

♪ Let's get drunk off our asses ♪

♪ You're gonna LOL at Brew-HaHa ♪

♪ Gonna LOL tonight ♪

♪ Yes ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Brew-HaHa,

the comedy show drinking game.

How y'all feeling tonight? (audience cheers)

- [Brad Voiceover] Hey, Brad here.

If this looks a lot like episode one,

it's because it was filmed on the same night as that episode

so, this is episode two.

Welcome. (laughs) Bienvenidos.

- For those of you who haven't been here before,

we start Brew-HaHa with some traditions.

The first tradition is I tell stories from previous parties.

We have the lovely Porta-Potties

for you guys to use up there.

This show wasn't always this large,

and so we remember the day when we needed to start

having Porta-Potties at our show.

We've had some drugs done in the Porta-Potty,

that's always a fun one.

This is one of my favorite all time Brew-HaHa stories.

'Cause if you're trying to do drugs at a party

and you're not sure if you can do drugs,

that's totally fine, just don't do what these guys did

because we walked by the Porta-Potty,

it was me and Marissa, and we heard this dude

inside the Porta-Potty go, "This cocaine is awesome!"

And the other dude he was with said,

"I'm gonna live forever!"

Which is the most cocaine thing you could ever say.

But then the first guy said, "This is as good as it gets."

Which is amazing, 'cause they were in

a Porta-Potty in our driveway.

I'm more covered in sweat than I'd like to be.

Ladies and gentlemen of Brew-HaHa,

let me explain to you how this drinking game works.

We have two simultaneous drinking games,

one for you the audience, and one for the comics.

For you the audience, we've created a drinking game

that goes along with stand-up comedy.

Anytime this sign lights up, you guys take a drink.

It'll fuck 'em up, it'll be awesome,

they will stumble, it's gonna be so fun.

For the comics, they will be getting

progressively drunker throughout the show.

Also they will be chugging at the top of their set

for as many seconds as rules as the previous comic broke.

So if I'm comic number three and comic number two

has broken eight rules, I will chug

for eight seconds at the top of my set.

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, for your drinking game rules

for tonight, I'm turning it over to our rule master Marissa.

- What's up guys?

Number one: whenever a comic talks

in a funny voice or sings.

Number two: whenever a comic talks about

a relationship, past or present.

Number three: whenever a comic talks about drugs or alcohol.

Number four: whenever a comic talks about politics.

Number five: whenever a comic talks

to somebody in the audience.

Number six: whenever a comic tries to

figure out what the rules are.

Cool? (audience cheers)

Yeah, let's do it. - Okay, let's get an audience

rule, who has an idea for a rule?

Genitals?

Genitals it is.

- [Marissa] Talking about their genitals.

I love it. - Round of applause

for Marissa, our rule master. (audience cheers)

Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready

for this Brew-HaHa to start in principle?

Guys, this first comic is a Brew-HaHa legend.

He's one of the most requested people

we've ever had on this show to come back.

Ladies and gentlemen, make as much noise as you can

for Morgan Jay!

- A lot of good-looking people come to the show.

In fact, sometimes I'm kinda like,

trying to have sex with the whole audience.

If you come to Brew-HaHa with a date,

I can assure you you are going to get laid.

It's gonna look good on camera.

Oh shit is right, girl.

'Cause it's about to get sexy in here.

It's already steamy as fuck right now.

So what's up guys, my name is Morgan Jay dot com.

It's such a...

It's so fun to be here with you tonight tonight.

Let's see what we got in the crowd tonight.

You two, you girl, chewing the inside

of your mouth right now.

Are one of these men your lovers?

Are you dating any of them?

Either of them?

No no, the ones next to you.

Not behind you, next to you.

That'd be weird if you came with a date

and you were like, sit behind me.

Sit behind me tonight.

Okay, you, my dude.

This your girl over there?

Gonna be create some blasian babies.

How long have you two been together?

Seven months, and how did you two meet?

Korean barbecue?

Okay.

You lookin' for more than Korean meats, I see you.

I see you, dude.

So I'ma pick up my ladies.

Did you approach her, did she approach you?

Both, that's, doesn't work, I don't know how that.

We approached one another.

I just picture them slowly walking towards

one another, eye contact.

Alright, let's do a song and then we'll start the show.

How does that sound, guys?

I had the salad, you had the salmon.

I see the waiter, the check is coming.

You look at me, I see you thinking

all you wanna know now is how we gonna be paying.

Can we split the check? You clearly had more than me.

Can we split the check?

You picked this place, it's bougie.

Can we split the check? What happened to equality?

Can we split the check? This can't cost 150.

Oh no no, no no, girl,

how many glasses of merlot did you order?

A glass of wine can't be $18, this is bullshit.

Why did we come here, why did we come here?

Girl, you know that this is just the first date.

We could've had a cheeseburger and a milkshake.

But even after the salmon you got some cheesecake.

Don't even got a doggy bag that we can take home.

We could've saved it for later after we made love,

take it out of the 'frigerator but you

ate everything and I'm not saying that

to make you feel bad, in fact,

I like that quality

but it's proving to me that it's healthier, girl,

to have a half portion.

Let's just have half of the food

and save the other half for later

like if we go to the Cheesecake Factory

let's just get an appetizer and an entree.

That's a lot of food for two people.

Now this is the part of the song that gets interactive.

You girl, with your hoop earrings

that is so attractive over there, girl.

Can I spit it to you for a second?

Now there's no right or wrong answer to this,

I just want you to be honest with me.

Do you split the check on the first date?

Okay, he answered for you, oh snap.

Oh snap, oh snap.

He really remembered that.

But you know what, girl?

You do look a little expensive.

But I'm not even judging, I'm just letting

you know, like it's okay.

Whatever, it's cool.

Now fellas, fellas, fellas, fellas, fella-la-la-la-la-las,

or whoever occupies the male gender role

in your relationship,

because I like to be inclusive in my music,

take notes, 'cause ladies, they do this thing

where if you're the man, you'll be like,

"Hey boo boo, I got it."

And she'll be like, "No, let's split it."

And you'll be like, "No, I insist, I got it."

And inside she's like, hell yes you got it.

Because that was a test.

Am I wrong or am I right, girl?

Thank you.

'Cause if you don't get it, you don't get none.

Now me, personally,

I believe in chivalry.

I believe the man should pay for it

but at this point in my life economically,

I have to adopted the philosophy,

I have to assume some fiscal responsibility.

Now honestly, when I wrote this song

I wasn't doing that well financially

but right now I'm kinda doing okay.

I got that, I got that second round money

and by that I mean like, I would go out with friends

and they'd be like, "Hey bro, I got the first round."

I'd be like, "You got the only round."

I'm sorry to tell you

you got the, you got the only round.

You got the, you got the only round.

You got the, you you you you you got the only round.

You got the (scats)

Now this was normally where I end the song

but I'd like to do something special with the song.

I'm going to fade the song out

like you would do on your iPhone

like in an album you hear,

you ain't ever seen this shit done live before, here we go.

Can we split the check? You clearly had more than me.

Can we split the check?

You picked this place, it's bougie.

Can we split the check? What happened to equality?

Can we split the check? This can't cost 150.

Can we split the check?

Not yet, not yet, shut up, not yet, not yet.

No, not yet, no no.

Can we split the check? (mumbles)

(mumbles)

(audience cheers) Alright, guys!

I took a shot of whiskey and I had a beer,

I'm having a beer now.

I don't drink before I sing because I burp,

so it's like... (burps)

- Ladies and gentlemen, make as much noise as you can

for miss Rachel Mac! (audience cheers)

Marissa, how long are Rachel and I drinking?

Nine seconds?

- [Audience] Nine, eight, seven, six, five...

- I have performed drunk once before

and I did show a tit to the crowd,

so who knows what could happen tonight?

How many women at this show have fucked Brad?

Oh man, so happy to be here.

I am Rachel Mac.

I lost my virginity when I was 25

and after it happened, I was like,

hm, could've waited longer.

It was fine, not mind-blowing,

and I still made mistakes as a 25 year old grown woman.

I had a man over to my apartment once

and I said, "Would you like a drink?"

And he said, "Negatron."

And I still fucked him, what?

After he came, he said, "If you ever got preggo,

"would you get an aborty?"

And I was like, "I'm gonna get one tonight just in case."

I am a middle school English teacher.

You're welcome.

Oh, I teach in Beverly Hills so the kids are rich,

but I do still like them, and...

I had this eighth grader last year.

Let's call him Cooper Deers

'cause that's his name.

And Cooper plagiarized his Morality

in To Kill a Mockingbird essay, yeah.

So I had to call up his mom and I was like,

"Hey Mrs. Deers, Cooper plagiarized,

"I have to give him an F on this assignment."

And she was like, "Oh no no no.

"Cooper doesn't understand what plagiarism is.

"You can't punish him for that."

And I was like, "Mrs. Deers, whether or not

"Cooper understands what plagiarism is,

"he plagiarized, it's cheating, and if you want him

"to succeed at this school, you're gonna

"have to give me $2,000."

Then I paid off some loans!

So we had some drama in eighth grade.

Right before school started, I got an email from Chloe's mom

and it was like, "Hey Ms. M, just FYI,

"Chloe had her bat mitzvah this weekend

"and all of your students attended

"and all of your male students

"went into the bathroom together,

"jacked themselves off, and then came everywhere."

Well, number one, that is insane.

Number two, what am I supposed to do about it?

I'm the English teacher.

I wasn't even invited to this bat mitzvah

and I look Jewish as fuck, so that hurt,

but I'm a professional so I will handle it.

I put all the girls in the hallway, sat all the boys down.

And Trevor, he was like, "Uh, Ms. M, you look disappointed."

And I was like, "Well yeah, Trevor, I am."

And he was like, "Well you shouldn't be,

"'cause it was just a game, and my juice went the furthest."

And I was like, "Trevor, it is farthest!

"Have I taught you nothing!"

They're so dumb!

I did punish them, though.

I had them write two essays.

The first one was, How to Behave at a Bat Mitzvah,

and the second one was Proper Places to Cum, so.

I lost my virginity late, I was 25,

but I actually wasn't, that is weird that you would applaud

or woo, but I will take it.

So I didn't lose my virginity until 25

but it wasn't until 27

that I lost my handjob virginity.

Are you into the handy, sir?

Oh, just a shrug?

We handies over here, do you like 'em?

Wow, this is my handy man crowd, right here.

But thankfully for you,

I've come prepared with a list of reasons

why I love handjobs.

Reason number one why I love handjobs: minimal contact.

I can be here, he's way over there,

a cop could pull up because of course, we're in a car.

His penis is exposed, meanwhile I am fully clothed,

innocent as a kitten.

Second reason why I love handjobs, oh yeah:

no cum in your mouth.

Self-explanatory, but worth mentioning.

I see some nods.

Third reason: it sends the right message.

A dick in your mouth, he might think that you love him.

A handjob is like, we're friends, you know?

Final reason, sir, you know,

this one's a bit controversial

'cause some people are like, "Oh, he never cums,

"it takes forever!"

Me, I welcome the wait.

I just imagine myself flexing, it's a good workout!

You guys think Michelle Obama got

those arms by doing push-ups?

No no no, drink to that!

I do have a question before I leave.

You can keep this, sir, for your...

As a memento, and if you're like,

wanting one you can bust out the reasons.

I do have a question before I leave.

Has anyone in here ever fucked a ten?

You have? I don't believe you, sir.

No offense, it's just a stretch.

Do we even have any tens in here tonight?

You know, and that's fine.

Tens don't often come to comedy shows.

They don't need laughter.

But a few years ago, I was single and I was at a wedding

and one of the groomsmen was a ten.

Did you know that if you're the only single woman

at a wedding, you get to fuck that ten!

Oh, yummy, drink!

This ten took me back to his hotel room.

We started smooching. (makes kissing noises)

And then he asked if I wanted to smoke pot.

I don't know about you guys, I'm not a big pot smoker.

I'd only smoked pot once before

and then I watched the movie Sister Act

and I cried uncontrollably.

So I didn't want to, but if a ten asks, a ten will receive.

So I smoked it right on up and he promptly went down on me

which is a surprising move for a ten.

They don't have to.

So he's like (slurps) lap lap lap.

As he should, but then the pot starts to seep into my system

and I'm like, well what is pot?

Pot's a drug. What do drugs do?

They kill people.

They killed Amy Winehouse.

They killed that guy from Glee.

He had that killing substance in his mouth,

now his mouth is on my pussy and I will surely die.

So I'm very worried about dying,

and I'm also worried that if he looks up

and sees how scared I am, the sex will be over.

And in fact, he does look up,

and he's like, "What's wrong?

"Am I doing a bad job?"

And the insecurity on that ten's face,

I came immediately.

I've been Rachel Mac, thank you guys.

This is one of the best shows in LA.

It's a really happy crowd.

They are wasted.

They are, you know, just ready to laugh and to fuck

and I'm down for that too.

- Alright, this next guy coming to the stage, he hasn't been

on Brew-HaHa in a couple years, I'm very excited.

He's a great friend of mine, a great friend of the show.

Make some noise for Mr. Jonathan Rowell.

Marissa, how long are we drinking?

- [Marissa] Nine seconds.

- Nine seconds, guys, count us down from nine, he's excited.

- [Audience] Nine, eight, seven, six, five...

- I am not nervous about going on stage 'cause I'm drunk

and, but I'm not too drunk.

I'm like the perfect level of drunk

and I'm also kinda horny.

I love this tree.

This tree is so, uh, it's great, I love it.

The tree is amazing, it's very mystical.

I don't know if you guys knew that but it is.

It's very like, Into the Woods, it's gonna sing to you,

it's your mother who died, I love it.

You guys, I gotta get it out of the way, I'm gay.

I have to tell you that because I did a show

the other day, did not mention once that I was gay

and I said faggot 17 times.

The set didn't go great and everyone's like,

"You're a fucking monster."

Okay, cool.

No, I'm gay, but I think that straight guys are cool.

I think that you guys are awesome.

I think that, well, I think that you guys are cool

in LA and New York and San Francisco-ey, Austin-ey,

like I feel like you guys are cool in those areas.

You're so nice here.

I do have to say, straight guys are so nice in LA.

Like, you have, you really are.

Not to straight, here's the thing, not to straight women.

No, absolutely not.

To gay men.

To gay men.

Straight guys are really nice to gay men in LA

and you are at the level of progressiveness and niceness

to where I feel like you guys can knock it off.

You can stop.

It's at a level of niceness where I legit,

when I'm out and about, I legit do not know

like, who's nice and who's gay.

I cannot tell, like are you trying to be a good person

or are you down to fuck?

I need to know.

I was in a gay bar, okay, I was vibing with a guy.

He touched my wrist twice.

Gay, okay?

He bought me a gin and soda, very gay, okay?

And then we were talking and he mixed up

Naomi Watts with Nicole Kidman

and there was like a record scratch

and I was like, hold on.

Are you fucking straight?

And he was like, "Oh, yeah, is that okay?"

Like, absolutely not, it is not okay.

I kind of miss the old days

where you straight guys used to be like,

mean and hot, you know?

Now you guys are all like, nice and chubby, you know?

Whatever.

I've noticed that straight guys,

especially in gay clubs, at Pride, on the dance floor,

they don't know how to act and it's fine

and you can tell a straight guy on the dance floor at Pride

by what I like to call the straight wave.

They do this thing where if like, you're dancing

and you're vibing and then you see a guy that you like

and you catch eye contact with him,

and if he's straight and he doesn't know what to do

and you're just kind of like, really intense,

like rocking back and forth and you're just like

what's happening, you know,

he'll do this thing which is this, he'll go...

That's the straight wave.

And here's the thing, gays don't wave, okay?

Like, if that was a gay guy who was not into you,

if he like was dancing and he caught your eye

on the dance floor, he'd be like, mmm, nope,

like he would just turn straight around, not at all.

Look, I want you guys to have a good time

but I also wanna talk about how they're still

killing gay men in Chechnya, so I don't know,

you know what I mean?

They're still killing gay men in Chechnya

and I don't know what to do about it

and I definitely feel like the community

is looking to me for answers, you know?

I shared it twice on Facebook.

I don't know what to do.

I was reading that the government is rounding up

gay men in Chechnya, taking them to concentration camps,

torturing them and potentially murdering them,

but you also have an option.

If you know a gay person in Chechnya,

you have permission to kill them yourselves.

So I read that an uncle pushed

his gay nephew off a balcony,

which is horrifying,

but that's also kind of the gayest way to kill someone.

Just like, die.

Uh, like that's gay, that's Jafar-level gay.

Like, he didn't like, walk forward and like, push him off.

He floated forward through mist and just

like pushed him off.

Like the only way that kid's death could've been gayer

is if he had pushed him through French doors.

Like that's the only way.

I have a straight roommate, and again, cool, it's great

and he invites his friends over to the apartment a lot

and I love that he has friends, and I definitely...

And again, to straight guys, I think that you guys

for sure deserve love, I do, but here's the thing.

There is no worse sound to me in the world

than a bunch of straight dudes having fun.

That's a terrifying sound and historically

it's when most bad things have happened, okay?

It just sounds aggressive!

It just sounds like, hey, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

What's happening?

Marcus, Marcus, bro bro bro!

It just sounds like that, and I'm like,

huddled in the next room like a Jew hiding from Nazis.

I do not wanna be found.

And I heard one of my straight roommate's friends

say faggot from the next room,

and I am a realistic person when it comes to faggot.

I love saying faggot,

and if I heard a straight guy saying faggot,

as long as it's not directed to me,

or we're in a gay bar, if it's just like,

down the street into the darkness or whatever,

I wouldn't bother you, I wouldn't confront you,

because you can say whatever you want

even though I may not like it, you know?

But in my own apartment, that makes me sad,

especially because I was in literally the next room

being a faggot, okay?

I was doing poppers alone, okay?

And not like, experimenting, like hee-hee, what's this?

I was like inhaling them like I needed them for nutrients.

Like, that's what I...

And what I don't like is all his friends are like,

sensitive straight dudes with floppy hair.

Don't pay attention to my hair.

And they're just like sensitive dudes

who like, if you confront them about like,

you shouldn't have said faggot,

they're like, "Dude, calm down, okay,

"when I say faggot, I did not mean gay, okay?

"I meant stupid.

"Feel better?"

I don't like that.

If you're gonna say faggot, say faggot, if you're straight.

Like my Mexican uncles were like,

"Well, we call you faggot 'cause you're gay

"and that's gross," and I'm like, okay, fair, fair.

I am Mexican, I don't look it, I look white,

some say 'cause I'm blessed, but

I am Mexican and I have,

I have three very hood Mexican sisters who...

I'm very Pasadena but they're very hood.

My gayness translates to suburbia, if that's what it is.

But one of them doesn't like me 'cause I'm gay.

I thought it was 'cause she was jealous of my hair

but it's 'cause I'm gay

and I knew that coming out, you know,

I knew that she didn't like me.

When I came out I actually just,

I knew how she felt about gay people

so I just texted her that I was gay.

She's the only person I didn't do it in person.

So I just texted, I was like hey, I'm gay

and I just texted that.

And she texted back, K,

which is bone-chilling.

And then about a week later I was moving.

For my apartment she had lent me this Crate and Barrel chair

and I had left it out in the courtyard in the rain

and it got ruined and I had to text her.

I was like, I'm so sorry, the chair you lent me,

I fucked it up, I'll buy you a new one.

And she texted back, "Yeah, you're a fucking

"inconsiderate faggot, it's just like you

"to ruin my furniture being a stupid faggot.

"You're gonna burn in hell.

"Jesus saves, not you 'cause you're a faggot."

That's verbatim what she texted me.

And at that moment I was like,

uh, I feel like this is more than just about the chair.

And also, no it's not like me to be

an inconsiderate faggot and ruin furniture.

I feel like my people are known for quite the opposite.

Thank you guys so much, bye-bye.

That's seven or eight drinks.

I literally, I swear, maybe I'm drunk

but I swear I drank for 34 seconds.

I swear to god.

- Coming to the stage right now,

make as much noise as you can for Mr. Dave Ross.

Marissa, how long are Dave and I drinking?

- [Marissa] 13 seconds. - 13 seconds, guys,

count us down.

- [Audience] Thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine...

- I perform drunk and I'm like ooh,

what is this feeling, yeah!

I'm gonna get to be drunk tonight.

I live a simple life.

This is the silliest dumbest show you'll ever do.

Everyone, by the way, that's a whiskey drink

that I just pounded for 13 seconds, yeah.

And y'all make strong drinks here in this backyard.

I don't know how often you all make it down

to Orange County, California.

Yeah, wow, you're gonna fucking hate this joke.

I think there are people in America who,

like, the stereotype of California is that we all

walk around all the time like, ha ha, ha, right?

And we all like, surf to work?

That stereotype is real in Orange County.

Just imagine that a human being could be a flip-flop?

That's everyone in Orange County, California.

They all just walk around all the time like,

"Jah, dude, I like Incubus, still!"

Unreal.

Unreal.

So I was there and I met like an OC dude,

you know, like a surfer dude?

And I didn't even know those people were real.

Came up to me, I did a show, he walked up to me

after the show, but I saw him coming from a mile away.

He was walking straight for me, arms up,

fuckin' bouncing, you know, just like,

so visibly positive, fuckin' positive,

yah dude, yah dude, yah dude,

just fuckin' walkin' up to me

and he gets up to me and the first thing he says is this.

"'Sup dude, fuck yeah!"

That's the opening line.

'Sup dude, fuck yeah!

He said hello and then he celebrated that hello

immediately after it!

Could you imagine being that positive in your life?

I want that so bad.

I'm sure that guy's inner monologue is just all day,

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.

"Fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes.

"Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

"Who's Dan? "I'm Dan!"

He really was so angular, too, that's not an exaggeration.

In every single way.

Even how he talked, "Fuck yeah, dude,

"I'm just drawin' a square with my words."

He was just what you would picture, too.

Super tall white dude, long beautiful blonde hair,

his body was a surfboard, his head was a pineapple.

He had a girl with him, she had a catchphrase, went like

this: "Hiiiii."

And then she died.

I live here in LA and I live

right next to the headquarters of an organization

you've heard of called PETA.

And first of all, I said that to a guy at a bar once

that I live by PETA headquarters and he goes,

"No, the bread?"

So, yeah, he's the stupidest fucking person who ever lived.

Yeah man, I live by the headquarters of flatbread.

That's where I live.

It's in a old business park for the headquarters

of broad concepts.

I'm the president of cheese and you're a fucking idiot.

But yeah, so I live by PETA headquarters

and here's the thing, I'm so fucking liberal

I'm always bleeding, I'm just, you know,

I'm down for the cause.

Every year I'm like, them too, every year.

At every cause I'm all about it.

So I'm all for animal rights,

but I still fucking hate PETA so much

and it's because they treat us like we're children.

Every single PETA ad is just like,

look at this cute little bear, don't eat bears, or whatever.

This is a real thing, PETA is trying to get

the name of fish legally changed to sea kittens

so we don't eat them, yeah,

and my question is, do they think the fact that it's called

a cat is the only reason I don't eat my cat?

As if you were to change the name of a cat to a land fish

it'd be like, fry it now.

I'm fucking starving, I don't give a shit,

I eat anything called a fish!

"Dave, you're eating your couch right now!"

This is living room fish, back off!

They own the billboard over their building

and it's always some dumb shit,

but oh man, the one over Thanksgiving is fucking incredible.

It's a picture of a turkey and it says,

"You wouldn't eat your dog so why would you eat a turkey?"

I don't know, fuck you, because?

Because that's how life is?

Are you trying to mess with me?

"Hey, what if the land were on top of the sky, gotcha!"

Drives me absolutely insane.

I love that logic, too.

You wouldn't eat your dog, so why would you eat a turkey?

"You wouldn't fuck your sister, so why

"would you fuck your wife?"

Because!

'Cause that's why, fuck, I don't know!

I don't fuck my relatives!

Don't fuck my family.

I also don't eat my family.

See, that's the thing, it's not that it's a dog,

it's that it's my dog.

I'll eat your fucking dog.

Cook your dog, I'll eat it, let's do this.

I definitely heard after I said cook your dog, I'll eat it,

a very quiet voice over there go, "Amen."

I know I, maybe I made that up.

I heard the Southern accent, you heard it too.

"Amen." Oh, what the, wow.

Cook your dog, I'll eat it could be a show

on the Food Network easily, easily.

I don't know how much Food Network you watch.

I watch it all the time.

It's so fuckin' aggressive.

Like, you've all seen Chopped, right?

Yeah, great show.

Chopped is a show where people make dinner.

That's what's happening.

People are making dinner, and someone should tell

them that so they can fuckin' relax.

Truly, why does dinner need to be so aggressive?

Why is there a time limit?

Why does someone judge dinner?

There's a show that's an offshoot of Chopped.

It's about how the chefs are bad, why?

The show is every week.

It's just like, "Alright, tonight we got three chefs.

"First guy we found in a dumpster.

"Next guy has no hands.

"The last chef doesn't speak any language

"and they all have 30 seconds to make a funnel cake

"using only a Bunsen burner and an avocado!"

And the chefs are all just. (screams)

I have an idea for a cooking show.

It's called, really good cooks have plenty of time.

Thank you.

It'd be a great show.

One of the shows on the Food Network

is called Baker or Faker.

Why is the name mad?

And half the people on the show, Baker or Faker.

"Tonight on Chef or Fuckface!"

I love that it's faker, too.

"This guy's a baker, this guy's full of shit!

"Fuck him, asshole!

"Start making cookies and quit cheating on your wife!"

They're all competitions too, dude, I fuckin',

we're so close to everything on TV being competition.

"Tonight on Sex Battle!

"Mike and Amanda are both gonna fuck Steve

"and they both have 30 seconds to make him cum

"using only a Bunsen burner and an avocado!"

Thank you guys so much, I've been Dave Ross.

I was like, really in the zone.

I was like, I was at the front of my face,

just like yelling.

I was having so much fun, so I probably,

really I was just like, tunnel vision

looking at the crowd, and they could've had

to drink the whole time.

There could've been no one there.

I was just like, here are my fucking jokes!

- Ladies and gentlemen of this backyard,

that has been your Brew-HaHa, the comedy show drinking game!

One big last round of applause,

everybody have a good night!

We fucking did it!

You know why I'm not gonna get laid tonight?

Because I already got laid by comedy, by laughter.

I got laid by the collectiveness of a group of people

coming together to be like, tonight we're gonna laugh, baby.

I'm gonna regret this interview later.