If you only met her once you would always remember her...
Over 200,000 people are reported missing in the UK each year.
Although the vast majority are resolved within 72 hours, thousands are not.
A friend of mine helped me set this up which is, where-are-you-Sam-Jackson.com. It's nothing clever...
Sam Jackson is a 27 year old television videotape editor, last seen in August 2003.
She has no surviving immediate family, so her best friend since childhood, Abi Wright, is leading the search for clues.
She'd stopped replying to a lot of my texts and emails and so on, so I thought I'd pop round to her place to see if she was OK.
I rang the doorbell and I didn't get any reply... So then I thought I'd use my key...
I remember trying to think of what I would say to her if I walked in on the middle of something
Which seems pretty silly now because of course she wasn't there.
Despite numerous searches, interviews and a police investigation
no-one has found any trace of Sam Jackson from that day onwards.
Everyone who meets her falls in love with her.
She was a right laugh, and we had the best times together,
but it was more than that, it...
She's been really good to me.
Abi began paying the rent on Sam's flat. And there, one day, she made the discovery that changed everything.
Looking back it could have just been nothing, but I knew it wasn't.
I think I did have a feeling about that particular tape because it was just...
her handwriting, and... I can't describe it but I knew I had to watch it.
Abi had found part of a video diary, recorded by Sam as a reality TV experiment in the months before she disappeared.
Sam's diary would eventually reveal that her popularity and apparent self-confidence
masked another, much more troubled side.
My worry is that it is a nervous breakdown...
All we know for sure now is that none of us... knew her as well of some of us thought we did.
She was really committed to this, and... I think it was just a question of how far she was prepared to take it...
Before I even knew what it was, I just thought? Oh My God, maybe this is it
Maybe in here, I am actually gonna find out what happened.
And I am gonna find her.
This has become my life to be honest. It's always felt a bit like Sam's my big sister
We were both only children, we grew up in the same street and everything, and she taught me everything I know
And I always looked up to her so much, cause she's like my better half I suppose and she always has time for people
Whenever I needed her she'd just drop everything and come over.
So doing this isn't so much, really.
We started following the search for Sam in October 2003, two months after she'd last been seen.
Sam has left her job, her house, her friends... the whole world she knew.
For Abi, leading the search, the video diary holds the key to understanding why she went missing.
The diary contains things no-one, not even Sam's closest friends, knew.
But the diary is also a puzzle, and no-one puts it together in quite the same way...
The diary begins in May 2003, with Sam leaving a personal ad in a newspaper lonely hearts column.
People could listen to her full voice message by ringing a premium rate number.
Hi, my name is Sam, I'm 27, live in West London, I like cinema, music, reading, eating out
and I'm looking for someone attractive with a good sense of humour. Yaaaaaawwwwn.
Basically it's like this.
The three best bands in the world are Nirvana, obviously,
Radiohead, obviously, and A-ha. Obviously.
My heart just leapt, because the thing is I'd spent so long looking for clues
All I had was just a few emails from people that I didn't know and they didn't really say anything.
So I started watching it through...
I just thought... God! I mean, what is this?
Who's filming it and who's she with?
Obviously there's someone out there who just knows everything and I can call them
I just had a million questions
But then obviously I realised that she actually was holding the camera herself and she wasn't with anyone.
She was an assistant editor, er, video editor
People who cut programmes together, and she'd worked on quite a few things that I'd produced.
It's a bit of a cliche though.
Most people who work behind the camera in television want to be in front of the camera
I dunno, Sam just wasn't really the type.
She told me later on that she'd been for quite a few auditions as a presenter.
She never said anything at work because of
assumptions people make, she said.
So I guess she must just have got frustrated and taken things into her own hands.
See, I'm actually just really pissed off that she didn't tell me about the diary, because...
Sam and I used to talk about absolutely everything, and nothing was off limits whatsoever
I guess she thought it was all gonna be a big surprise for us one day.
Which it was.
Sam approached independent producer Kerry Finch with her idea for a daily reality TV show.
What this diary I think is gonna be, is... I've realised I am gonna have to tell the TV people something
"Men and women in the 21st Century. Phone dating and what it's really like yadda yadda yadda..."
Which basically boiled down to...
Sam Jackson goes shagging!
OK, right, there we go, but...
Basically it's gonna be me...
I suppose I was interested really because it was Sam
And you, watching... er, not watching. Watching me telling you about all my lovely shagging that I've done
Every sordid juicy disgusting detail of my sad and yet...
I liked Sam a lot... and I was keen to find out what might happen...
That's it, that's why I'm doing it. Well no, actually
Obviously I'm looking for true love as well. And... yeah, yeah, yeah... I am.
Fuckin' ell, I am, no I AM!! Jesus...
And then I thought, well if I wanna know what might happen, maybe there'll be others who
get to know her through this and want to know was well.
Some people have said she was a bit full of herself, but I think that completely misunderstands her.
If you're gonna achieve anything you've gotta throw yourself in boots and all
and whatever her reservations may have been she just went for it, and good for her.
It was this really simple idea that there would be an engaging, strong woman
dishing out a bit of probably well deserved dirt on these anonymous blokes behind their backs.
Not nasty TV, just... a bit naughty if you like.
And that much WAS Sam, she always had that glint in her eye
You were never sure what she was gonna do next.
Plus - would she find The One? So I just went with it...
For four minutes a day, just a bit of slice-of-life fun really, nothing more...
Oh come on, who knows? It would be nice to meet someone.
[LOUD SIREN]
It didn't get off to a brilliant start to be honest. [LOUD SIREN]
It didn't get off to a brilliant start to be honest.
I've just realised that we are missing one vital ingredient.
And the name of this vital ingredient is... ta da da da da da... alcohol.
She was worried about phoning her voicemail and finding no-one had replied to her lonely hearts ad.
And because she'd decided she HAD to record something every day, she starts waffling, basically.
Endless variations of "Sorry sorry sorry
I'm not actually doing anything, am I?!"
Fuelled by Dutch courage,
it was time for Sam to discover what the response to her ad actually was.
THIRTY-FUCKING-SIX REPLIES!!!!!
They'll all be lying, won't they? "Handsome" is "Ordinary"
"Cuddly", ah, that means "Fat"...
This is what I'm talking about, this is The War Room, she's got "Sense of Humour", her 1st column here;
this one's really class, "Indefinable Something".
Which she'd put out of 20, not 10, which is nice.
This is so exciting, I am actually ON my first date
I've made my excuses to come in here and powder my nose
only so I can fill you lot in on what's happening.
Thing is... it's going stormingly well!
I actually reeeeeally fancy him...
Well, he's my type
short hair and he's muscly but not too muscly, but not like a drip either.
Oh God. I really am all bloody talk
Um... thing is, I haven't done it with anybody for... ages.
They say it's like riding a bike, don't they? In which case...
...will my arse be aching tomorrow?
Nooooo!
Thing is... it's going brilliantly, but...
he's got two kids, and...
It's when he starts talking about them and then it really hits me...
...would I have to... [DOOR OPENS OUSTIDE, INTERRUPTING]
...be their mum? [DOOR CLOSES OF STALL NEXT TO SAM]
Bisto!!!!
[THE PERSON NEXT TO HER STARTS TO URINATE LOUDLY] Hang on a sec...
And if I have to be...
their mum...
Has she finished? No.
The thing is about kids is that...
[VERY LOUD TOILET FLUSH]
Right, the thing is about kids is that...
oh fuck it.
There are so many different reasons why people go missing.
You can't say that one type of person is more inclined to go missing than another.
Sophie Woodforde works for The National Missing Persons Helpline.
In partnership with families, friends and the police, the organisation deals with thousands of cases each year.
All sorts of different people go missing for a huge variety of reasons.
They could be escaping some sort of stress or pressure
They may be suffering from mental illness, depression or schizophrenia or something similar.
Some people go missing because they have amnesia.
There are many different reasons why people disappear.
Often the truth is you don't really find out what the real reason is for the disappearance til you find that person.
Having previously found so little in the way of clues,
Abi continued to look for anything in the video diary that might provide that elusive breakthrough.
It was all so strange. I'm watching here, in her flat
and I kept thinking she's obviously just gonna
walk through the door and come in here and chuck her bag over there and start going on about something or other
And then I'd watch the tape again and I'd start to get get really freaked out and think
"Oh God, she's... she's met some awful bloke, she's been cut up into a million pieces by some psycho maniac."
It was like being 13 again, sitting in the back row of the cinema
and he's got his arm round me, and I'm thinking
"Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna give me a Love Heart?"
I asked about his kids, and he said something
and I just knew I couldn't do it.
And I don't know why... well, actually I think I do...
He was so sweet and said it didn't matter and we said our really awkward goodbyes
with me feeling like Cruella Bloody DeVille.
"I want to make a coat out of your children, ha ha ha ha ha!!!" Arrrrgh!
So I screwed up.
But... Paul was number 3, and now I can go onto number 2 and number 1, which is Alex.
I don't care if they run a fucking orphanage together
If I fancy them they are gonna get a right good seeing to I promise.
Maybe he just didn't fancy me...
You know, it's a tough gig for one person to hold your attention for that long, which she obviously knew
and she was making the classic mistake still of trying just a little bit too hard
over-preparing her stuff too much if anything.
I just wasn't getting the real her.
And then...
...Alex.
It's pretty damn good that the legendary Alex is in my bed right now
which is pretty damn good in itself
but that is not the half of it. Much less than half of it!
You're not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you...
Alex was her number one, computer modelled, scientifically approved choice.
Oh my God! I'm shaking... I'm actually shaking
I can't believe this, it's the most...
oh my God! Fucking hell!!!
What did you think when you found out about Alex?
Fucking hell!
We didn't actually have sex, but...
Oh God, and
Her hair and... her hips, just the whole...
the whole woman-shaped thing going on lying beside me, it's just...
I mean, come on. I don't know...
That definitely was the turning point for me, yeah.
I mean...
she must have known! Mustn't she?
Could Alex have pressed the wrong button on the voicemail by accident?
The whole story was just so unbelievable...
Men seeking Women and then think Sam was Samuel?!
But, either way, it didn't half make it much more interesting...
We're going to a very nice French restaurant
Where they serve very nice red wine.
And...
She scores.
[PLAYS A-HA'S TAKE ON ME ON A TAPE RECORDER]
This was Sam Jackson's last diary entry in the videotape that Abi found in the flat.
Well when I first went the police I think they did think that she was sunning herself in Tobago.
You know, the kind of "I'm really sorry madam but we do see this kind of thing all the time".
I do think that the tapes have had a big effect there because she is now officially classified as a missing person, medium risk.
I spoke to the police the week Sam, no, the week after Sam disappeared
I was... here we go... I was one of the last people to see her.
Oh, Sam had been with Mike for years, actually.
It was one of those relationships that you thought was gonna be forever because
there was obviously some invisible thing holding them together.
She'd been quite upset the week that she disappeared
And I told the police... and Abi, actually...
that in my opinion she was seeking attention.
Which sounds harsh, but it's what I thought.
And when Abi came round with that tape, it seemed like it even more so to be honest.
It ended on a high. It was quite mind-blowing actually.
When was this recorded? Does it actually tell us anything?
Did she do any more?
Kerry Finch?
Sam Jackson did, in fact, do more.
Still unbeknown to Abi or any of her friends, Sam began sending her diary tapes every week to Kerry
although crucially, nothing had been signed.
I'm in a bit of trouble.
They were great! Well, it was a great idea and she was demonstrating a real hunger for it.
But, you know, having promised your adoring public every juicy detail, you...
Well, the thing with Alex was a classic example.
I mean, for God's sake, Alex is Woman! Your first woman!
I mean, say what you like, but say something!
I have decided my next sexual conquests are all going to be men.
I came straight out with it to Alex today and I said
"Look, I think I just like nobs too much and, no offence, but
Yours is really really small."
She was hung like a bird.
[SINGS]"Hung like a bird".
I think that's quite funny...
[MUSIC - NELLY FURTADO - I'M LIKE A BIRD]
Hey! Wanna go on a date?! It'll be great.
I'll even do my absolute fucking damndest for an hour not to let you realise that although you seem perfectly intelligent,
you're actually very funny and superficially we are doing great,
try as I might I just don't fancy you even one little bit.
Oh my God, yesterday - Dave.
No way, never ever again. He was incredibly thick!
Then again...
....he was... incredibly thick.
True love, my arse.
[CLUB MUSIC]
Come on you evil camera! [LAUGHS]
[CLUB MUSIC]
Oh fucking hell!
Oh hello!
I have to tell you that today has just been the most loveliest, loveliest day of my life...
[CLUB MUSIC]
This would have been the evening that we went out clubbing, which we hadn't done in ages
It was your archetypal girls night out. It was someone's 30th actually...
Well I've had enough. I've worked so hard I'm just going to have a break now and have fun, so.
Here are my rules. Tonight...
Hello! Tonight we will have no men
and no women of the sapphic persuasion as we are not even going to have any sex
Because tonight is entirely devoted to my mates, and me
and some lovely beverages that make you go all tingly
Tingly... ingly bingly ingly....
[CLUB MUSIC]
I'll never forget that night because Sam was hilarious.
She was literally practically having to kickbox the men off her
That must have been the night that she went back and...
Oh my God!
I think she must have taken some of my advice to heart!
We were gorgeous, all of us tonight, but I felt like especially me.
And then loads of men came up and they were just
chatting us up and talking to us and they wanted us to dance
and I just kept looking at them thinking oh no no no no!
I am not going to shag any of you lot.
I know exactly what I want tonight, and it's...
it's not any of those blokes, it really isn't.
It's no bloke at all really.
It's not Alex, nor any other woman...
not even Abi...
Oh God.
It's, ummmmmmm...
me!
[ABI SQUEAKS]
Because... tonight...
I know exactly what I want to do
and I know exactly where I want to do it
and I know exactly for how long, with what
and precisely... oh God yeah... precisely...
how hard. And...
And I know exactly what I'm gonna be thinking about while I'm doing it. Mmmmmm.
This is something people didn't used to talk about, did they? Well, most people still don't.
Well, but Abi does
Oh yes, Abi. She's, um....
I think Abi's addicted to it.
I think Abi's blokes must think that they are interrupting her because Abi has got it down to an art form.
I think... not that I've seen her, but I just think that she would be
the Rembrandt of all wanking.
Look. You know she uses the name Andy all the way through instead of Mike?
Well, that was it you see, cos she was talking about someone else, and using the name Abi.
You know, perhaps this is why so many women fancy a go with another woman, because...
We're complicated creatures.
At least with two women together you have a chance of working out... how to get around the place
But some bloke is gonna be completely lost, isn't he?
Oh, but it is nice.
And it is good, and oh goddamn it is sexy...
You know, I wonder?
I wonder if Andy knows how much I did it?
Well, it was a lot. It was all the time. It was loads and loads and loads and whenever I did it I was....
...a damn better than he was.
Awww.
You know...
I've never done it on camera before...
I think...
...I better go and get a blank tape
Oooh.... satellite viewers...
push your red button now.
She was so full of shit sometimes.
[LOUD CLUB MUSIC]
What do I think?
I think she was pissed.
As far as I am aware, Sam's "blank tape" has never come to light.
Which, let's face it, is probably for the best.
No of course I haven't got it!
Oh God no. She would never have gone through with it anyway.
Is that what he said?!
It was fantastic, because
a) it was so much better anyway, and b) it showed she was responsive to suggestions.
I dunno, that night was...
Maybe it's just because I remember it sooo clearly, but that was absolutely Sam in her prime.
I mean, despite what she said about me, but I was... oh it was great.
It was absolutely how she wa....
I was exactly how she... how she is.
[CLUB MUSIC]
It's very hard for families and friends left behind.
The not knowing, having no idea why this person that they love and thought they knew so well has decided to up and leave
It can often be that going missing is the end result of an accumulation of problems.
It could be one instant is the straw that breaks the camel's back
but there's been an ongoing series of pressures that have led to that moment.
In mid-July, Kerry arranged a meeting with Sam to discuss the diary further.
Right, this is going to be a total head-fuck. Ummm...
People don't realise, but as a producer you end up with a lot of irons in a lot of fires
Hiya, is it Kerry? Nice to meet you, you alright?...
You've got hundreds of projects as possibilities, but only a tiny fraction ever develop into anything
and only a tiny fraction of those ever get a commission and make it to air...
So long as you don't just pitch it with our names attached...
I know a TV producer who's quite well connected, and last week I showed her these tapes
which I'm really really excited about.
She rang me today, and she really really liked them.
I just feel like... oh God, finally... maybe... maybe... maybe something is going to happen.
So did you offer any criticism to Sam about her tapes?
Oh yeah, absolutely, constructive criticism, yeah.
Sam had done really well, but the big unknown at this point was
...and I think she was acutely aware of this from our conversations...
was it sustainable?
By then it's potential was obvious to anyone, but you had to develop that. It wasn't just going to happen
you had to make it happen.
You can't make things up, obviously, but you just have to keep it moving.
Something's got to happen.
I've just walked out on someone mid-date.
I have no idea when I decided to take such a violent dislike to this man...
oh, no actually, no I think I do.
It was while we were ordering food, and he said to me
"oh, I'm really terrible at choosing", and then I said...
"Oh, I always know exactly what I want as soon as I see it".
Which... well that makes it sound worse than it was, just a stupid jokey little comment, opening gambit you know
see what he'd do.
I think what he was thinking was...
"ah ha, all I have to do is yawn my way through the next three courses
and I'm gonna get to work my three-minute-magic on this girl".
He kept giving me all these little looks and...
oh God, I wish you could have seen him, you would wanna twat the smug bastard sooo hard.
Every time he gave me one of these looks I'd say "what?!"
and he'd say "oh... nothing".
And I'd worked out where the toilet was, and it was next door to the exit so I just legged it.
Not very noble, maybe, but very fucking justified I think you'll find.
I've spend 10 years going out with a really lovely bloke
and I am buggered if I'm spending one evening in the company of someone who isn't fit to tie his bloody shoe-laces.
I want something more than Andy... not something less.
[DISTANT SIREN]
What do you think she was looking for?
I think she needed...
to get involved in something or other, she needed something...
something of her own.
[BAND PLAYS]
[SINGS] Was crying before I could speak
[INTERVIEW] It's easy for me. I can pick up a guitar, write a song, sing it.
[SINGS] The tears I no longer need
[INTERVIEW] Sam needed the right vehicle for what she could do.
[SINGS] Nothing will last...
So. Most important thing of course is the chocolate chocolate chip muffin.
Actually Sam was the one who got me onto these, because I thought they would be too chocolatey
but clearly that's ridiculous.
Heston Services, 3 o'clock in the morning, the only place to be.
It was just one of our things, really.
Every so often you need to go for a drive, you just need to get out.
This where we had most of our deep-and-meaningfuls
including of course the night when she finally left Mike.
She said that she wasn't getting any younger, and...
and you know me of course being the ever sensitive friend....
bearing in mind she'd just split up with her boyfriend of 10 years
I was dutifully taking the piss, and...
Pointing out... you know, "hey look, fat balding trucker!" for her to ask out.
I suppose it comes down to... what do you do
if your entire life has been driven by an assumption that you are going to be a certain thing, and
one day you just realise that it might all be over already?
Whey hey folks, look where I am
Yes, they have actually let me back in the building again
The mad fools! Little do they know my secret plan to make a television programme right here in BBC TV Centre....
With the best will in the world, I can't get a green light for a project, I can only take it to the people who can
Today was another exciting audition, this time for some, oh god, presenting thing
arts programme... new thing... crappy urgh
I believe that this diary thing is gonna work.
But.... just in case it doesn't, I've got to have something to fall back on, haven't I?
I mean, what would I do if all my tapes spontaneously combusted?
If it's gonna happen to anybody, it's gonna happen to me isn't it?
I think I helped her in thinking beyond the diary, which is a good thing
There's more to life than the diary
To be perfectly honest, the more life she was having, the better the diary would be anyway.
On July 29th, Kerry flew out to Johannesburg
When she saw Sam's later tapes on her return, it was after Sam had disappeared.
For the last few weeks of the diary, Sam was on her own.
I think I'm gonna lose some of you lot today.
I've been thinking all day about not saying what I'm about to say
Rules are rules.... I promised you lot honesty, and honesty is what you're gonna get.
I ended up around Alex's place, and I'm not going to say anything else except...
...and I'm quite serious about this....
I felt something I have never felt before. Ever.
And I'm not even sure if I liked it.
I feel like I've been let off the leash.
My Andy was lovely.
He knows me better than anyone else in the world, but....
then does he, really?
He knows....
...and he doesn't know
What do you think Sam meant?
I dunno.
It's weird.
Why do you think that she didn't speak to either of you at this time?
I think that basically we weren't the camera.
She'd made a deal with the camera.
She'd learned to become really natural in front of the camera, it was lovely to watch.
But.... and I don't think it was anything I said, I just...
...think that she realised that "deep and meaningful" doesn't make scintillating television, sadly.
Lighten the fuck up!!!!
[SONG, ROBBIE WILLIAMS] Let me entertain you...
I had a look through last week's stuff today
and some of it was like wading through treacle
Look everyone, it's Tower Bridge and we're going over it now
I hope you can see this is St Paul's Cathedral
We get very little idea about you men, do we?
Where Charles and Diana and lots of people got married, and....
lots of famous people are buried...
they used to sit there in the war and push the bombs off the roof.
...it's all packed away....
I have no idea if that is true or not, I think it may have been Coventry Cathedral, but we're not in Coventry...
The longer you work in this industry, you realise most people never have it.
Oh, and we're not supposed to say anything or react....
Some people learn to fake it...
If you look up there you can see naked people stuck on the Zimbabwean.... something....
And a very few people really do have it.
Well, I'm sure it's good form to go - whoaaaahhhh
Sam Jackson really had it.
....not such good form to go... eurgh! is it?
Oh, a dragon!!
Lovely.
There probably is such a thing as too big.
Ah! That's so great!
Unfortunately, there's probably such a thing as too small.
I've just discovered you can't inch your head through a policeman's helmet...
But fellas... this is so, so important....
Pleeeaaasee....
There's no such thing as too CLEAN.
I mean, I'm not asking to see my face shining in it, but...
30 seconds in the shower?
[SONG: ROBBIE WILLIAMS] You gotta get high before you taste the lows
Oh what a bloody day, I've just ended it with Alex.
In the diary, Sam had originally stated she would film something every day
But during August, the entries became much more fragmented.
I mean one day she was really... "go girl!"
Phone call this morning, and.....
I've got a 2nd audition!
...the next it was just, ugh stop girl.
Her 20 minute confessionals were morphing into these 20 second barracking lectures
I've thought all day about what I'm gonna tell you lot
and you'll be delighted to learn I'm gonna tell you absolutely nothing.
Yes, I've wimped out completely yet again.
Well after the 30th birthday party thing, I only saw her once more after that
Did you talk much?
Well that's just it, yeah. Yeah.... but....
really only about one thing
which was Mike.
Andy.
See, at this point she would ring up about once a week
pissed usually, and drop not particularly subtle hints
about whoever she was seeing at the time, how happy she was etc.
At least she'd started up the dating again, which was a good thing.
I mean, some of that was brilliant....
The bastard is still upstairs now, for God's sake...
he's probably still kneeling at the bottom of the bed
still going urgh urgh urgh urgh...
He put his hands behind his head. Wanker!
Oh God. Would you believe it...
and I just managed to get bored and pissed off - in that order.
After a while I just started thinking about the audition
and then I got really depressed.
And she even lines up something called
Three Way Wednesday!
Which sounds like the Channel 4 series from hell, doesn't it?
The idea is.... 3 blokes in 3 different bars in Ealing, all on the same night
Do you think Sam felt under pressure to perform?
Yeah, I do actually.
But I think that lots of it.... probably most of it actually, was
her putting pressure on herself.
It goes - 7 o clock, another Dave
Half past 8, Alistair I think it is, then 10 o clock, Toby
Ahhh Toby. Sweet.
I don't think "sweet" Toby or Alistair got much of a look in...
Girls, I am not kidding...
write this number down.
It's Dave's mobile...
and....
It must be hard watching some of that.
It's her life.
She would be the first one to say that.
It was only the once, unfortunately you know...
Cos... eh... well, she was... uh....
Well it was quite good...
He seemed like a genuine enough bloke
Basically there are things that Dave has told me....
that...
it just doesn't sound like the Sam I knew.
And the thing is.... I believe him.
Abi showed me some of the Sam's Diary bits.
I had to laugh though when she was giving out my number to everyone...
Cos I'd been trying to ring her, like, 50, 60 times!
well, 2 or 3....
It was weird cos she never rang me back.
I don't wanna sound out of turn, but...
You know, not that bad, am I?
Well, it came finally, didn't it?
Standard rejection letter
Millions of them. Could paper the whole flat if I felt like it.
You know what really gets me is I actually got through the last 3 this time
There's no phone call.... nothing... no personal.... I'm not expecting, it's just....
Oh fucking hell.
I haven't heard about this tapes... not for weeks
Fuck
With Big Brother or whatever you're actually
physically locked away in a prison or something
I know this was all completely Sam's own idea, and nobody actually put her anywhere
she didn't have any bars or walls or anything....
It's just...
I just wanna fucking hold her you know?
Watching someone you love's distress when its on videotape, months later...
It;s just awful. It's awful.
There were so many of us there for her, but...
we never knew.
As I was watching it I knew she couldn't keep on going
Eventually she had to turn to someone
That's what really scared me.
I mean....
What if they do show this and no-one even notices its on?
Well
Who cares?
I....
found out how much you get for being in a porn film
Almost wish I was thinking about doing it
Almost
On the 16th August, Sam faked a note from her doctor to say she was too ill to go into work.
She never returned.
I just wanna talk to someone who talks back
I don't know what I mean.
Alex....
Just come on over, will you? I'll... it'll....
It'll be good
OK [HANGS UP]
I know what you're thinking
I don't care.
She had on this scarf, one of those hippy flowery ones you get off a market
All silky, and...
Well its obvious what she did with it, I'm not gonna spell it out
Although I will be carrying on with the diary for my own personal reasons
I have taken the decison for the time being not to submit any further entries for transmission.
I'd had to go for a 10 week shoot to South Africa at the beginning of August, quite short notice and
I told Sam that I'd be away for a while, I absolutely definitely told her.
Sam's final statement was recorded on Tuesday 19th August
Just over one week before she was last seen by her ex-boyfriend, Mike
One day about four weeks after she disappeared, I'd come into her flat, and there was a message on the answerphone
Obviously whenever you saw that, your heart skipped a beat, because you never knew what you were gonna get
And it was Kerry.
When I got back there were 3 Jiffy bags of tapes on my desk
She'd sent a batch every week
And they all contained letters, except for the last one which just had a note saying "sorry, will be in touch"
So obviously I put that one in first, the one with the statement
and realised immediately that something had gone awfully wrong
It's a bit like grieving in a way, in the sense you're having to deal with someone who's gone
But ultimately it's not grief
Sometimes I wish it was, at least you'd have something to face up to.
Abi has this unshakeable conviction though
And you know, fine - in the end everybody does what they need to do to get through it I guess.
Hello!
With additional help from friends, Abi is continuing to pay the rent on Sam's flat
and she's using it as a base for the search.
Coffee? Cup of tea...
I don't want to get carried away but this is stacks on, suddenly
Missing Persons are really on the case and they've got a few leads they're following up
police rang yesterday, they've managed to track down Alex
apparently they're interviewing her today
You guys are doing this, so that's not going to hurt
I'm still following up some phone records stuff, dates and numbers and so on
Big Issue are doing an ad next week so that'll be great - I don't have time to go to work at the moment...
There are other reasons for Abi to be optimistic
Sam's passport has not yet been found
and a large cash withdrawl was made from her bank account in the week before she was last seen
Nothing would surprise me any more
If I switched on the telly and saw "Sam Jackson - first woman on Mars"
I don't think I would bat an eyelid.
Oh I don't know. Some days I really do think that's it, we're never gonna see her again
and then the next minute I'm thinking
No! I won't let you, how dare you. Come back here, your tea's getting cold.
By mid-November, police had eliminated Alex from their enquiries
but Abi still had questions
Hi, Alex, it's Abi Wright...
If she can talk to me, she might fell more comfortable
to put it bluntly, talking to someone who doesn't have the power to arrest her
So I thought I'd just let you know I've got long blonde hair, I'm going to be wearing a black cowl neck top...
Alex agreed to meet Abi in this central London bar
Right, Alex's story is - she rung the phone line, keyed in the wrong number by mistake, yeah?
Sam's the first one she heard. Just assumed she was a man. Instant love.
Right, 1) Sam sounds nothing like a bloke. At all.
2) Alex - supposedly straight - discovers that Sam's got tits and thinks "oh, I'll seduce him anyway".
I can only assume she's a very very good con artist.
For legal reasons, we are unable to play the audio recording we made
but in it Alex confirmed her relationship with Sam
She also said they broke up towards the end of August
only days away from the time Sam was last seen
I've played the Alex tape over and over and over - probably word perfect by now actually
And I can't help but think
What is something went wrong? Something they were doing together, and
I know it's really kind of [INTAKE OF BREATH] but you do hear of these things happening, so...
You mean a sex game?
Yeah
I keep going over all of these things seeing if there's something I missed. There's a couple.... "where are you?"
and "something I said?" Which says it all really. Just blank messages to Alex, she didn't get any reply from them either.
And then this one down here is actually... well it appears to be the last email she sent to anyone, and that was to me
and thats says "sorry, work mental and to make it worse I've been singing this all day"
This is a link to... it's like.... some strange creature singing a song about the moon
So make of that what you will. Just - "tits out, Sam".
And obviously yes there is a story attached to that, and obviously no I'm not going to tell you what it is
but it does mean something to us anyway.
Abi has found other clues from Sam's phone record
but by January, no-one had confirmed any extra sightings of Sam.
This one she definitely contacted
At one point, Mike came over to help, but there was a disagreement on what should or shouldn't be said
I'm sorry I'm not prepared to have this conversation about something deeply personal
We stopped filming, but soon afterwards Abi insisted that we resume
Not on camera, thank you
Basically, several years ago Mike and Sam split up which everyone knew
and what everyone didn't know, including me, was that she threatened to kill herself if he didn't take her back.
You can't blame him I suppose
What happened with Mike all those years ago - I've never seen anything from Sam like that at all
It's just the kind of thing that.... when you're 21, 22....
You're gonna say something like that if you're in danger of loosing the person you love you've been with for many years
and I'm not defending her, it is a terrible thing to do, but you've gotta see it in context
I dunno, it's....
the break up with Mike this time was very very different
I think that's the point actually, she is very different now, she wouldn't do anything like that now, she just wouldn't.
Unfortunately the longer someone is missing, the less likely... the chances of them being found decreases
For families waiting for news its so difficult when days roll into weeks, roll into months, roll into years
It's so hard for them to keep positive. We can just only hope that eventually she will be found
We have amazing stories here - just yesterday we found someone who went missing in 1986
Cases can be resolved, there is hope, and we never close a case.
By March 2004, another person had gone missing - Alex.
With her number unobtainable and Abi still suspicious, Abi took the tape we made of her conversation with Alex to the police
Basically they just said "don't get your knickers in a twist, love". And...
They said there was nothing on the tape that they didn't know already
They said that Alex had been upfront and helpful, and that she has a cast iron alibi
and they said that yes she has changed her number, and yes she has moved on
and no they don't know where to and no they're probably never gonna find out.
So that's basically it then, isn't it?
I can understand why Abi has tried so many different options and I'd probably have done the same in her position but
I never thought we were gonna find Sam that way.
We're coming to the stage where she's tried every shelter, every organisation
every police force, every friend, every work colleague
and I understand why, I really do
I really don't know, obviously I didn't expect to find anything for a second there but I just....
Oh I dunno, you just go round and round in circles don't you?
inventing these scenarios where she's absolutely fine but she just can't get in touch
Abi told me about one case where the guy got in touch 3 years later through The Big Issue
and it turned out he'd been in an accident. Totally genuine case of amnesia.
So....
It does happen.
What would you say to her if you could see her now?
My round....
Was it worth it, then?
I don't know if I could say anything actually
I'd probably just hold her and never let her go
Then I'd probably hit her
Mike came over this morning, and when I opened the door he looked like he'd seen a ghost
This is for me, then.
9 months after her disappearance, some more of Sam's videotapes were discovered
only these were different. They were never sent to Kerry Finch
and there were 12 days worth - right up to the moment of her last sighting, and beyond.
Sam had said in the diary she was going to do more tapes
But we thought she'd either taken them with her or got rid of them
I'd got engaged, and it didn't work out.
We split up, and my fiance - ex fiance - left me a note, saying
something to the effect of "if you really can't get over her, then you better have her tapes back".
That was the polite version, anyway.
And there were 2 camcorder tapes.
These were the tapes that she didn't submit to me to broadcast, these were her own private thoughts
I wasn't really sure about anyone seeing them to be honest.
They'd come through my letterbox, only Claire had picked them up. And Sam had written on them -
Enjoy the memories. Love Sam.
Claire thought they were tapes...
...private tapes of me and Sam basically
and she'd been hiding them
Hadn't wanted to look at them, didn't want me to have them
but was afraid to throw them away.
And I asked her why with the police and everything, and she said
She hadn't wanted them to see them. Which is understandable. I guess.
You'll have to put the mains in, cos I think the battery's gone on it....
With neither Mike nor Abi owning a camera able to play the tapes, Abi contacted us immediately
Do you want a cup of tea? Do you want a cup of tea?
Do you want to... do this now, or....
We could wait, do it later?
No, let's do it. Let's do it.
Yeah? Yeah.
What does it take?
All I ever wanted to do was something.
Something to show that I can.
I can do stuff
I think about stuff
And no-one seems to care
Doens't matter how many tapes I send off, how many letters I write, how many people I speak to
And if I went back, what would I do differently?
Find different walls to bang my head against I suppose
Oh God
I really really hate myself
If something goes wrong...
and this got shown, and I was sitting at home and I was someone else watching me
I'd wanna fucking hit me
Get a fucking grip! Get a fucking hold of yourself and get a fucking grip!
[LOUD TV IN BACKGROUND]
I went to get some bread yesterday, and
they had square loaves and normal ones. I didn't know what to do.
I knew I was gonna start crying, so I ran out
I ran all the way home
I haven't been out since
Too early to say I'm out of the woods, but
I think I may be able to see out of them a bit
so you needn't worry about me
I got this from MTV
Andy rang me today and said he wants to come over later
I've been writing stuff down
What I want to say to him. I'm quite pleased with it actually
So I thought I'd say to him... "actually Andy, the camera's for me and you"
That's when he told me.
Well congratu-fucking-lations. I'm so fucking happy for you both.
Right. Plan of action.
Tomorrow go through the lists, make some more copies of the showreels
Oh fucking hell, Alex....
So... here we go again. Could be the one...
Better luck this ti..... Hi!
Is that Adam? Hi
Yeah, sorry... it's embarrassing this, isn't it?
Are you ok to talk? Yeah? Oh great, um....
Well, um I heard your message and I thought you sounded really nice
Well I live here in Ealing, I'm not far from you, yeah.
Do you have your own place? Or...
would you rather I go out? I don't mind
What do you wanna do? I'll do whatever....
You're not free tonight are you? No. Um...
No that's ok, what about tomorrow?
You don't really, you don't have to.... I think it's just easier for both of us if you just say now
Cos it saves us some time. You don't really, you don't have to.... I think it's just easier for both of us if you just say now
Cos it saves us some time.
Yeah
No.... you have no idea.
Can I just ask you one question though?
How can you tell over the phone?
I mean, just on the phone - how do you know? Is it obvious?
No.... um, yeah. I just think this is gonna happen to me all the time, that's all.
No... no, you're not the first.
Adam, sorry, I, um....
I think this is just one phone call too many for me, um....
I'm, um... I'm not going to do any more
What's the point?
I know what I've got to do now
I.... um....
No, I know what I'm doing.
It'll be right this time.
No.... you don't need to....
It's okay
It won't take long.
Just leave me alone, will you? I'm going now....
I am sorry to have troubled you, please. Just forget this conversation ever happened.
Shit! Oh God....
Fuck [CRYING]
[FRONT DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SLAM, FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY]
[CAR PASSES, PLANE OVERHEAD]
Dunno.
Sorry
I wanted her to have been murdered
And to think she's just...
Selfish bitch.
Sam must have brought the tapes round right after the last entry. I mean....
She could have thrown them away but no, I get a final "Fuck you, look at what you've done".
For Sam to have taken the tapes to Mike, she must have returned back to the flat.
That last shot went on for 25 minutes, which is highly significant
because her mindset at the moment wasn't the last we knew of her.
She'd had to plan, to organize....
Which must be a good thing, surely?
Yeah, but Abi just said that....
People don't just go out and jump under a bus, they do... plan it all.
And she's got a point.
"Enjoy the memories"
Thanks love
Such a loss. What a way for it to.... for the tapes to end.
I mean, what can you say?
People think they know themselves....
...what they've got, what they want. But they don't.
Sometimes.
It really is terrible, but...
and I don't want this to sound harsh, and its a cliche, but
Life does have to go on.
After viewing Sam's final tapes, Abi decided to cease all involvement in this documentary.
She also stopped paying the rent on Sam's flat.
I think she feels foolish, which is absurd. I mean....
we don't know about the money missing from her account
passport.... um...
I'm not sure why, but Abi...
...and this isn't like her....
its as if she's given up hope.
Would you say that the experience of Sam's video diary has changed you in any way?
Well...
I suppose something like this is bound to change you a bit.
Is that personally or professionally?
Both.
If it has....
I don't really think in any kind of good way.
Sorry that wasn't what you wanted to hear, was it?
It's alright, you can always cut it out afterwards.
You can't show any footage of a person on television or film without their consent
Even if it's a passer by, you have to get them to sign something called a Release Form.
It means then that legally you can then use that footage.
Those tapes... without the release form....
No-one can show them. Simple as that.
In September 2004, Abi contacted us. She had received something out of the blue.
It was dated the 31st August 2004, it was postmarked from Utah would you believe
That's exactly one year to the day after she left.
And it was posted to me.
And it had her flat key in it, and it also had this...
Tits out, Sam. [LAUGHS]
Which is still funny... to me, anyway.
Why do you think Sam didn't just write you a letter?
I suppose what it is that she spent 3 months trying to put herself in the best possible light with the tapes, and
and they do, they do, but... they also show her at her worst.
and she's obviously spent a year facing that, and... she trusts me with it.
And look, there's this, um....
I think with that, what she's saying is "I've let go of it all". Just all of it.
The tapes have a different value to what she intended, but they do have a value
probably more than she ever imagined.
I really think what she went through means something
because Sam is just not an idiot, she's not your usual fame obsessed wannabe.
But not everyone is convinced that this is the long awaited breakthrough.
I think we all want to believe that it is genuine.
I'm just saying I don't know, I'm not certain how it would stand up in court
But then that's not my problem.
Yeah, I think Abi would love that note. And it wouldn't be too hard for someone to get it done, would it?
Don't forget Alex had a key. And Abi's lent hers to....
Well, you know. Quite a few people.
Sorry, but....
The whole thing is just perfect for anyone who would like Abi to believe that Sam is alive and well.
And by that I....
I don't mean to...
Look, I don't know...
...who or what is behind this, I honestly don't. But....
You don't just up and leave and then....
No.
Can you be sure it's not a fake?
If you want concrete answers then I can't really give them to you, but I....
Well, no, to be fair you could do handwriting analysis on it or whatever, I don't know if that's 100% accurate but
but certainly you could do that if you wanted.
And would that put your mind at rest, Abi?
No, it is at rest
Even though I know...
....I know she's never coming back to all of this.
For Abi Wright, her efforts to find Sam Jackson has come to an end.
I feel like it's a bit unnecessary now.
I know she's gonna write for phone at some point, and
if she doesn't want to be found up til then well I feel like
what's the point in trying to outwit her because..... for a start she was always too clever by half anyway
And I know Mike thinks I'm mad but...
No I don't! I just....
It's not something I see, that's all.
And in the end, what does it matter if we don't agree?
Sam's not here, no matter how much we wish she was.
[MUSIC - RADIOHEAD]
Hulloooo! It's me again!
Crazy bitch who sits alone at night and talks to herself.
Hey - great title.
And now it's time for.... The Crazy Bitch Who Sits Alone All Night And Talks To Herself.
I just get goosebumps thinking about her out there somewhere, watching us, you know....
No, see I think I'll get my Dear Abi letter one day
just not yet. I just don't think she's ready yet.
But I think she's out there and she's OK.
Well, at least she's getting OK.
Yeah, I think I'll see her again.
[RADIOHEAD SINGING] Don't leave me high
She'd love this, wouldn't she?
What, the park?!
No, the attention.
[RADIOHEAD SINGING] Don't leave me high / Don't leave me dry
I just get goosebumps thinking about her out there somewhere, watching us, you know...
[MUSIC - NELLY FURTADO'S I'M LIKE A BIRD, ACOUSTIC]
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away
I don't know where my soul is
I don't know where my home is
I'm like a bird, I'm like a bird
I'm like a bird, I'll only fly away...
You're beautiful, that's for sure
You'll never ever fade
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