Ekia Furnitures, how may I help you?
Ah, yes. I'm calling about this new table I ordered from you, and it doesn't match what I ordered.
How so?
The table was supposed to be a desk-style table, but the one I got is like tea table style.
Would you please clarify what you're describing?
The table I ordered was meant to use for an office. The one you sent to me sits too low and I can't use it with my desk chair.
Oh, I see. Can you give me the order reference number so I can check?
It's 50660
One moment please.
Yes, sir, the order is exactly as you described it. It's one brown low level tea table.
What? That's impossible. That's not what I ordered.
I'm pretty sure I ordered the…
low level tea table…? What?
Is something wrong, sir?
I… thought I ordered the desk table I had in mind… how did I order this one…
Oh, right… because I ordered from the wrong tab. Goddammit.
Sir, if you feel like you made the wrong order, you can exchange it for another order.
I can?
As long as you did not open the box and assembled the item already.
Oh…
Sir…?
Oh, never mind. Thank you for your service.
And people say online shopping is the future.
Hello, everyone, SHINOBI-03 here… and I'm going to live with this table…
We go back once again to check out the crimes committed by our ever so loving Dumbass Critic against the intelligence of media fanbases.
For today's topic, we resume our mini-series in looking at his Jurassic Park reviews with the review of my most favorite movie of all time: Jurassic Park.
SPOILER ALERT: It's not good! And no, I'm not here to complain about his opinion about the movie, because why should I care if he likes a movie or not?
I'm here to point out every goddamn error and pointless nitpicks he makes because when your job is to be educational and informative
then it's more necessary than ever to make sure your information is as accurate as possible.
And no, I don't buy the excuse of him being for fun because being funny is not an excuse to half ass your research and twist the facts for the sake of cheap jokes
Especially when he already stated that he's supposed to be analytical critique, so he's meant to be taken seriously.
News flash: You can be both funny and smart at the same time. When you focus solely on the funny part and ignore the smart part,
you get something like Teen Titans Go and the Powerpuff Girls reboot!
Doug Walker is not a critic. He's a clown pretending to be a critic, and you can see that when you watch real critics who knows how movie critique sounds like.
I'm sorry… it's just so frustrating how stupid people really get on your nerves…
I waste my time explaining how I used to like the guy and what issues I have with him, and for some reason they miss the point and call me a jealous hater.
Oh well, it's not like these videos are for blockheads like them, it's for you, the smart people who are watching this at this moment.
And to tell you what guys, you amaze me.
I mean, my channel has barely started making real content and already I have you jumping in to defend me when some asshole insults me without me asking you.
But don't get full of yourselves. You display the same asshole behavior and start a hate junkyard in my videos, and you're out of here, no exceptions.
You want to debate? Be smart and do it respectively like the mature folks that you are.
That was all, and I'll see you next time.
You bet I was there too.
To our dismay
Now you're pushing it.
Still gives me goosebumps.
SKIP!
I'm done! I'm done. That's it, go home people. The show is done.
Oh yeah, I forgot… you're too smart to fall for that one again.
Okay, he's saying nice things about the movie…
What's the catch?
You're not fooling anybody. We know how this goes like.
You start uncharacteristically praising the movie, and then you take off your pants and dump on it in a tired bait & switch we've seen a hundred times already.
C'mon, just say it and let's be done.
I don't know about you, guys, but this feels so… cathartic!
Oh, if only we could see it in an endless loop, but you have your own lives and I can't keep you here forever.
Oh? Then what?
Then why are you wasting your time telling us the obvious fact that this excellent movie is still excellent?
Other than the fact that you are the Dumbass Critic?
You ARE planning to make this movie look bad, aren't you?
Hey look, here's a bad dinosaur movie that no one will complain if you trash it or not. Go for that one instead. It's what you do best.
But… but you're the Nostalgia Critic. You're supposed to be nostalgic.
Oh wait, I forgot. You're now the Dumbass Critic.
Aaaaaaaaaand a lazy "65 million years" pun? Check, mate.
Okay, I asked about this on my Twitter account and apparently, it is something he does in his movies.
However, since it hasn't reached the memetic level of something like JJ Abrams' lens flares, I'll take it as a stupid nitpick blown of proportions for the rest of the review.
Especially in this environment when it's a dark jungle night. Of course you'll need lighting to operate here.
FIRST… SCENE!!
You couldn't wait till later but no! You already pushed my nerd button this early on!
Okay, to be fair… when I first saw this episode, I was agreeing with him.
But then, however, I remembered a certain comedian saying the following:
Your first suggestion: That idea wouldn't work, and here's why:
If they put the cage inside the paddock and opened the cage inside to let the raptor out, do you know what will happen?
Do you know what this super intelligent animal would do?
It'll jump on the cage, and then will jump over the paddock fences.
We know the raptors can jump really high, and by jump we mean really high.
and without any high grounds, they were able to go through the electric fences. So imagine if they had the proper platform. Of course they'll be able to jump over it.
Oh, you're suggesting dropping them from above by a crane or something so they don't get something to jump on? Good idea.
If you want to risk injuring your highly valuable assets, you idiot!
For a guy who asks for common sense, maybe you need some.
Personally, how I would solve this issue?
By constructing a tunnel big enough to let the cage inside with automated doors from both sides
so they allow one side to open while keeping the cage inside without a chance of endangering anybody.
And lo and behold, they did that for Jurassic World.
For the next suggestion: Why not tranquilize the raptors? That's easy to answer:
It's not as simple of a procedure as you think.
Contrary to popular belief, sedating animals is not as simple as shooting a dart and expect it to fall asleep in an instant.
When an animal is shot with a sedative, they become unpredictable. They can be either as calm as a kitten or an over-powered rage beast.
That's why they chose to kill Harambe to save the dumb baby neglected by his dumber parents.
And when they're shot, they take time till they fall asleep. It can take from few minutes to hours depending on the animal and the sedative it was shot with.
I grew up watching the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet, and one of my favorite shows was The Crocodile Hunter.
Steve Irwin said in one episode that it's not safe to sedate the crocodiles he catches. Not for the hunters, but to the crocodile itself.
And while I don't know the exact episode it was mentioned, luckily the answer is available in one of his books:
"The Crocodile Hunter: The Incredible Life and Adventures of Steve and Terri"
He explains that reason is due to crocodiles having a different metabolism than mammals.
Crocodiles metabolizes drugs differently and he recalls several incidents where the sedated crocodiles would never wake up.
And since crocodiles are close relatives to dinosaurs, we can safely assume they have the same issue.
Oh, what's that? You say just because it applies to real life crocodiles that doesn't mean it should apply to the dinosaurs in these movies and no one brought that detail up at all?
Oh, you're so adorable.
Too bad you're talking to a guy in his Nerd mode unleashed, who just happened to review a movie that happened to point that thing out!
And what would happen later on in the same movie?
"But wait" you say: "What about all those hunters who tranquilized the dinosaurs in their hunt?"
For one thing: They're hunters. We can safely assume they're experienced enough to know how to sedate animals without killing them.
Two: While we don't know the exact effect of the tranquilizers they used, we can safely assume their effect was just to numb their movement and slow them down enough to make the procedure easier,
and seeing how all the dinosaurs were wide awake during the same night with not one of them sleeping through the whole stampede, I'm sticking to that assumption and I'm open to be proven wrong.
"But what about Jurassic World and Fallen Kingdom"?
They had over a decade to study the animals to figure out how to sedate them for longer periods of time and safely.
And as seen in the same movie, they figured out the right dosage to let them sleep longer than last time, making it even simpler to ship them outside the island.
And that's not bringing up the original novel that explains how Hammond was so stingy about his assets he didn't even want to risk sedating them.
And while we're at the subject of Fallen Kingdom, you might recall how two darts were not enough to sedate the Indoraptor.
There was a deleted scene explaining that they needed three darts to fully sedate him because his metabolism was that different than regular dinosaurs.
Oh, by the way. I received some complaints from my Lost World video telling me that I should not bring in the original source material or deleted scenes and I should judge the movie on its own.
To them I say:
You're not entirely wrong.
Yeah, I know that sometimes when you have a movie then it's fine to judge them as movies.
On the other hand, since this movie franchise is an adaptation of a previously established material, and some deleted scenes were cut due to time rather than rejected concepts, then I will bring them up when necessary.
If Doug wasted his time binge watching Avatar and spent the majority of his Last Airbender review comparing between the two instead of judging it as a movie on its own,
then I have the full right to do the same here
otherwise you get something like Deadpool 2 and worse than that the Thomas and the Magic Railroad episode.
Shall we move on?
SKIP!
Hey, mullets are cool!
To be honest, I never noticed the accent. Must be because I have my own weird accent.
You do know that male and female co-workers are allowed not to be romantically involved, right?
Just to point this out as an example, this was one the points that many had complemented Dredd about.
That they gave Dredd a female partner who didn't care about having a romantic relationship with him nor did they even attempt at making it romantic
and stuck with making it solely a professional relationship between two officers.
I find it amazing how you change your thoughts depending on the movie
But then again, it's not the first time you change your opinion when it's more convenient for you.
And to make this clear: there's no issue in having different opinion as time goes on. It happens.
People can look back at things and have a different retrospect than how it was the first time.
The problem however is when you don't acknowledge that you had a different opinion before, and pretend you always had that one line of thought from the beginning.
Back to topic, while I do know that a lot of fans want them to be romantically involved, I personally didn't care for it.
Yeah, I know there was a deleted scene of them being more intimate, but honestly, I prefer them being more professional and platonic and not romantic.
Maybe that's why I wasn't that salty about Jurassic Park 3.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS WITH JEFF GOLDBLUM ALREADY, SO LEAVE LAURA DERN ALONE YOU ASSHOLE!
SHE JUST WENT THROUGH THE HUMILIATION THAT WAS THE LAST JEDI!
Yes, we know. You skipped your science classes and threatened your science teacher to give you your As at gun point. Stop reminding us about it!
Hold on hold on hold on…
You're skipping that raptor description scene that would foreshadows their actual behavior in the movie even though it's also a snark bait?
I mean look at this kid's face here. You look at it and the only thing you can think of is:
But I guess there wasn't enough misery in it, so it wasn't comedy gold.
It's funny because the actor is Scottish!
NO, IT WASN'T FUNNY!
Just like how you don't know how movies are made yet you see yourself qualified to judge them.
For the record, you don't need to be a computer wiz to know about dinosaurs, and paleobotany is relevant to paleontology, so screw you.
What…?
What…?
You're serious… right? You can't be THAT insensitive, right?
Did you just imply that you want the death of a real-life person?
That's moving from Dumbass territory to full on Douchebag territory!
Wishing the death of fictional characters is one thing, but wishing death on a real person who's only crime is………. Being fat?
What's wrong with you?! Is this a new game for you? Insult as much demographics as possible or something?
You insult the autistic people, you insult the Africans, you insult the Asians, you insult women, you insult those with speech disorders, you insult the dead for crying out loud, and now you insult the fat as well?
What are you, a Family Guy character?
And of course, there's no need to explain why death jokes on real people are bad to begin with.
Because not only is it insulting to the living, but when the moment happens and the person you joked about his death does end up dead,
it'll make these jokes super awkward and super uncomfortable to watch in the future…
And some of you might know what I'm talking about…
in the next episode…
We already mentioned BioSyn last time, so I won't torture you with more pointless trivia about them
Well? Yeah. It's an adaptation of a novel.
Novels contains a lot of exposition that it's a miracle when a film adaptation is able to keep most of them.
Just ask The Dom how it usually goes like.
Sometimes being simple works best. Isn't this what many complain about the DCEU? That they're trying to make their characters too complex instead of simple fun?
Dude! Get your mouth off my face! I can see the yellowing in your teeth!
Should I? Or should I not…
Oh well, Richard Attenborough's performance didn't fit Hammond's character.
Don't get me wrong, his performance was great and very memorable, but I don't see it fitting to how the character was originally supposed to be.
Hammond's original character was a mean-spirited, scrooge who shamelessly cuts corners and goes with the cheapest routes even if it puts everyone's life in danger.
Attenborough's Hammond doesn't come across as an evil businessman as his novel counterpart but portraying him as this idealistic naïve grandpa persona
which comes off jarring with his running statement of sparing no expenses,
when development itself remains cheaply made with leaving everything automated and little to no staff or security or even enough weaponry.
It doesn't add up when you put in in perspective, you know what I mean?
What's a "Girdy"?
Yeah, I don't get it either.
Actually, he's referring to "Gertie the Dinosaur". The famous 1914 dinosaur animation.
Holy shit, this animation is over 100 years old?!!
Also, just for the heck of it, I think the comic adaptation made a better build up to this scene.
Where the movie they made them drive to an open field making you question how nobody noticed the obvious large animal in the open,
In the comic they made them drive through a thick jungle and characters notice what looks like moving trees and then when they reach the open they get to know what they were seeing.
Wait, cloning is illegal?
Let's see… human cloning? Obviously illegal.
Animal cloning for food? In some countries, yes.
Oh look! Scientists are cloning the Tasmanian Tiger in an attempt to de-extinct it!
So, no. This is not illegal.
No. They were not.
That's why Hammond spent tons of his money in purchasing huge stocks of amber, in which not all of them had mosquitoes in them, and not all of them had dinosaur blood in them.
This is another reason why Hammond was so stingy about his assets because it already costed him a fortune just to be able to bring back at least one species.
SKIP!
Okay genius, want to play a game we all know you're not going to win?
Here you have a Deinonychus, a Velociraptor and a Utahraptor.
Try to figure out which skeleton belongs to which dinosaur here. Can you figure it out? Of course, you can't!
And years later Jurassic World enjoyed a good 10-year run.
Obviously, because you used the exact same joke here.
Actually, it is impressive that you even remember doing it.
Aaaaaaaaaand "Out-dated technology" joke? Double check.
Served no purpose.
Its only purpose is to separate Sattler from the group.
Served no purpose.
Its only purpose is to separate Sattler from the group.
Make up your mind already!
Oh really…
alright then, let's play a little game, shall we?
It's called: Good Career, Bad Career.
This song is one of the dumbest things to stain the legacy of the franchise
and its only purpose is to be a forced meme that only lives thanks to it being an annoying ear worm.
I don't know if you guys noticed, but Doug has been attempting to make and force memes quite often in his videos.
One would argue it all began with the Bat Credit Card, a move he would later regret and ended up needing another reviewer to kill it once and for all.
But we can all agree it really began with the "Double Team" episode when he was attempting,
and emphasis on the word "attempting"…
to force that stupid "Frying the Coke" that didn't go anywhere.
Doug Walker doesn't understand how memes work and mutate.
They aren't made for the sake of mutating them to internet memes.
If you noticed, the majority of the memes you know are just random things that were picked up by people and twisted them to memes, and ended up as memetic mutations.
When JRR Tolkien/Peter Jackson made that "One cannot simply" scene it wasn't made with the expectations to be memed,
it was memed because the fandom chose to and it was exploitable.
When you try to force a meme or creating jokes for the sole expectations to be memed,
it won't work because they are obviously forced, and no one will run with it, and will end up backfiring.
Also: Silly faces does not automatically make them memes.
Not according to this birth certificate.
How can you do that with these tiny arms?
That was not what I meant when I said: "you need more iron in your meals."
You see why I told you to cut off scavenging and start hunting living food instead?
If you bleed anything other than blood, then you do have a condition and I suggest for you to get her an exorcist.
Oh, is that why you're still single to this day?
Wha? Oh! Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you! I'm sorry… I'm sorry…
Okay, NOW you're forcing it!
Oh, by the way, that's Rintaro. He's my scientist.
I am not your scientist.
I pay for your service.
Doesn't count!
DUDE! COVER UP, WILL YA?! THERE ARE KIDS WATCHING THIS…
Wait a minute… what irresponsible parent would allow his children to watch this trash? That doesn't make any sense!
Spielberg insists that it was the cable that made that sound…
No, we don't buy it.
Eh, no argument here. That thing is pretty much a giant sock puppet.
No, hold on… does this qualify as a nerd button moment?
Eh, I pressed it, might as well go with it…
While in the movie they stated they used frog DNA, they didn't specify which frog DNA they used.
For all we know, they used different types of frogs in their experiments, but it's the Common Reed frogs that are known to spontaneously change their sexes in a single sex environment as stated by Grant in this scene.
Though it is worth noting that there are other creatures that can do the same such as clown fishes, corals, slugs, some birds like cardinals and some snakes like the yellow-bellied water snake.
The movie stated they only used frog DNA, but the novel did mention using other creatures to fill in the gaps.
And by the way, the chapter where they discover that animals are capable of breeding in the wild,
is one of the most brilliant chapters in the book and a tank of nightmare fuel!
In real life: The Lysine Contingency would be entirely pointless.
The basis of this contingency plan is the dinosaurs' inability to produce the amino acid in question. However, this thing applies to all vertebrates in real life.
Yes, the inability to produce the lysine is already natural and doesn't require genetic meddling.
And just like how it was explained in The Lost World, the dinosaurs got their lysine from eating vegetations, and carnivores feed on these dinosaurs and they get the required lysine. Just like how we get it in our daily meals.
What Dr. Wu should've done, is mutating one of the genes that codes the enzymes involved in lysine's biosynthesis pathway,
that way they would require synthetic lysine instead of the natural one found in lysine-rich sources.
Exposition, lore building, character developing, scene build-up, foreshadowing, breathers.
They're not pointless filler like your sketches that goes nowhere.
One: They were okay with sending Arnold alone because he works in the park and he knows where he needs to go.
Two: As far as they knew, all the dangerous loose dinosaurs were still within the park itself and not one of them were close to the visitor center.
That all changes however when they realize that shutting down the system also shut down the power of the raptor paddock and you can figure out the "Oh Crap" mode in their faces.
Eh, why the heck not…
Uhh… you're facing the wrong direction.
Because they're not stupid and knew that it's best for them to hide and sneak around without making any noise? They're still dealing with animals, not sentient robots.
By the way, I need to correct something I said in previous episodes.
Remember every time I referenced The Big One as one of my favorite raptors or scenes involving the Big One?
Turned out that was NOT the Big One.
This raptor that opened the door, slammed into the oven, followed our heroes till the end, and fought Roberta?
That one is named "Kim".
She's the Big One's Second-in-Command as seen how she gently asked her partner to back off and respect the pecking order.
Her partner in the kitchen who got locked in the freezer is named "Randy" as shown in this production plan I found recently.
The Big One was the one who killed Arnold and attacked Sattler in the breaker room and the one killed by Roberta in her surprise attack.
Oh yeah, like I explained, this is all lost in adaptation when they turned cheapskate Hammond to Grandpa Hammond for the movie.
It's called "Chekhov's Skill", and they don't need to remind us about it every goddamn second for us to believe.
Though I do think they needed more foreshadowing earlier on in the movie.
One: You do know the moment Sattler moves from her position the raptor is just going to burst in, killing everybody, right?
Two: Even if Tim did go to hand her the shotgun,
which in itself is near impossible because real shotguns are super heavy for a child to handle, or a regular adult mind you,
speaking from personal experience as I did handle a real shotgun and let me tell you, it was really heavy.
There's also a high chance of accidental firing.
Either way, Sattler can't move from her position until the door is locked.
Have you handled REAL weapons in your life?!
And by real weapons I mean REAL weapons and not your stupid toys?
It's really hard for someone like a civilian such as Grant with no experience in firearms to have accurate aiming.
And while I haven't used real guns myself, I have my fair share in airsoft experience and let me tell you,
even with airsoft guns, it's really hard to hit your targets unless you have the proper aiming system you're comfortable with.
For crying out loud… I'm not American and I know how guns work.
How could you call yourself a real American and NOT know how guns work? You bring shame to your country!
To be fair, that shotgun is Italian…
Oh, and let's not forget how Grant idiotically wasted his ammo shooting at the glass instead of the raptor herself.
You see this jammed shell? Yeah, that's what happens when you're not experienced enough with guns and aimlessly spam fire whenever you want.
There's a good reason why the SPAS-12 got discontinued, you know.
Oh yeah, this model? Yeah, they no longer make them anymore because despite how movies and games tries to make them look cool,
in real life they were too heavy, too stiff, with fragile safety mechanism, and half the time it just doesn't work and several other issues
making it one of the most impractical weapons in gun history since the L85A1.
You know, seeing how the current generation of smartphone zombies who can't seem to notice their surrounding when they walk,
it's not implausible how nobody noticed Roberta seeing how the humans were focusing on the creatures that plans to kill them that are few feet away from them.
Nobody is going to turn that to a meme so don't bother shoving it down our faces.
Can I have one last novel trivia to add here?
Oooh, but I wanted to explain how Hammond used a genetically engineered dog-sized elephant made by his partner Norman Atherton
who would be the inspiration for Benjamin Lockwood in Fallen Kingdom in order to convince their investors in his Jurassic Park project.
Oh well, your loss.
To be continued.
Just like when a man with a terrible fashion sense asks you to donate to his endless charities, you say the exact same thing.
So, what was the point of all of this other than stating the obvious?!
Animatronics? Yes. CGI? Not so much.
Yet, you spent the whole review trying the break that suspense of disbelief while shoving as many stupid memes as possible along with your recurrent flaws.
Kinda hard to believe when the Tyrannosaurus was already everywhere so it's not like she was never a star already.
This was yet another painful one to sit through.
The same issues keeps happening! Lack of research, lack of brain processing, lack of respect to real life people, lack of respect to the audience's intelligence,
drawn out sketches that adds nothing of value, and forced memes no one wants them around.
We know this is an excellent movie and it still holds up in popular culture so really, it's just a waste of time telling us what we already know.
It's obvious this was made just because Jurassic Park was trending at the time and he wanted to be this brilliant…
thing… that wants to act like he's the only one who sees the light while everybody else is in the dark.
Hey, guess what: We already know that! We already know that no movie is perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect movie.
I personally don't believe in a perfect movie.
It's the reason why I never give a 10/10 score in anything. At all. That's my personal rule.
Even my most favorite franchises of all time are not perfect in anything what so ever.
Even with Jurassic Park, my most favorite movie of all time, I can see where it's flawed, and I don't mean just in the effects department.
But that's life for you. Nothing is perfect. One can be close to perfectness but cannot achieve perfectness in its absolute form.
Next time, we will see how we fare when we look at the weakest movie of the franchise: Jurassic Park 3.
I'll see you then, and take care, everyone.
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