- When I found my friend after it happened,
the only thing I could get out of my mouth
was I just had sex, but I said no.
- Before I learned to read, I was twice forced
to perform oral sex on my neighbor.
Once after I had told people about it.
- When I was about six or seven years old,
I was raped by a cousin.
- Seven years ago this February I was at a frat party
off campus at a different university, actually,
with my sorority sisters and I had been looking
at this guy throughout the night
and he came over and offered me a drink
and then he told me he really couldn't hear what I was
saying because the music was playing,
so he wanted to go upstairs and I got really foggy
and I couldn't remember what was happening next,
but the next thing I remember was being on a mattress.
- In elementary school, I moved to a new state
with my mother and in the house nextdoor to us
there was a family with an older teenage boy.
And one time, he and I were left alone together
and he had me perform oral sex on him, but I had no idea
what it was and what happened.
I just knew it was bad.
- I was about 14 or 15 years old at the time
and I was placed in a bed with him and several other
cousins sleeping around in the basement of my aunt's house.
My aunt climbs the stairs and shuts off the light
and closes the door to the basement and he grabs me.
And he grabs me so that I can't get away.
I'm pushing him off, trying to get him off
and from there, I blacked out.
- While I was on a mattress, I was aware that I got there,
but I don't know how I got there and I started
feeling this pain and when I realized what the pain was,
I started yelling at him, "Wait, are you having
"sex with me?
"No, get off!"
And he kept on responding how much I enjoyed it
and how much I liked it.
Finally, after physically trying and begging
for a few minutes, he got up and threw my pants at me
like I was nothing and I came to bear my surroundings
and I went to my phone and I saw my friends
were looking for me because I had been missing
for about 20 minutes.
When that hit me, I ran out of the house.
- I come to in the morning and I'm incredibly sore,
but I run for it.
I get out of his grasp.
My little brother and my other younger cousin
are playing tiny checkers and I'm sitting next to them
with soiled underwear,
sore, and deathly afraid.
- I run over to my friend and I said to her
I just had sex.
- And she got really excited because she knew I was a virgin
and the next thing I said was, "But I said no."
And she said, "Wait, were you raped?"
And at that point, it hit me.
Every Law and Order SUV episode I've ever seen in my life,
I couldn't believe that happened.
It couldn't have happened to me.
I'm not that type of person.
- A few days later, I was in the kitchen of his house
and not knowing exactly what had happened, I described
what happened to his parents and my mother.
We were kept apart for a number of months,
but circumstances happened where my babysitter forgot
that she was supposed to pick me up that day
and was unavailable.
So after being picked up by the boy's parents,
I was brought back to his house and he forced me
to do it again.
- I went to the hospital and I had a male nurse
tell me not to tell my family while he was walking
through everything because he told me
my heart was already broken, why else
should anyone else's heart be broken?
And I was just in such shock over everything
and so afraid and then the detectives came in
and I remember their first question was,
"Are you sure this was rape?
"Are you sure you just didn't make a mistake
"and you don't want to admit it?"
And I remember screaming at them I was a virgin
and I was going to wait until marriage.
No, that's not a mistake, and it shuttered me
and it gave me that first inkling of hey,
it's your fault, right?
You were asking for it.
I left the hospital that morning.
I went about my life as if nothing happened.
- I described what happened and his parents
reacted, I mean, the whole room reacted with shock
and horror and then there was a flood of questions
and I could tell that something was wrong
and it really felt like I had done something wrong
and had been wrong to then tell people about it.
- Years later, I was about 12 or 13 years old
and I was in the kitchen of my aunt's house
who has no relation to the cousin that assaulted me.
I confided in her, I told her, and she kind of just
screwed up her face like ooh, you know?
Kind of in disgust.
She told no one.
My aunt also was like, you're crazy, what is wrong with you?
This never happened.
I put him in his own room, he had his own room,
you were nowhere near him.
And when this happens to children, they scream.
You should have screamed or something.
Why are you telling us now and what's with
this delayed story?
And it's just like, that's what happens with trauma.
It's buried until you can actually handle it.
That was the first and only adult that I can tell that to
and it also sent a message to me that even if you tell
someone, nothing's going to happen.
So I didn't tell anyone since her.
- For about two weeks, I just was happy and smiling
and my best friend said, "Stop your bullshit.
"I know that you're upset, I know that you're trying
"to hid it, but you need to start realizing what happened."
- Even after it happened again, I never told anyone else.
I never spoke to a member of law enforcement,
I never really brought it up because it was so clear
from that conversation in the kitchen
that I shouldn't do that.
- I didn't even believe myself.
I was still like, did it even happen?
Did I make this up, am I crazy?
I buried it and I told myself it didn't happen,
but as I continued to dig
and continue therapy and get closer to myself,
I realized it was very real.
It happened.
I needed me out of any other person
because my father was there, yes.
My mother, she couldn't deal.
I was too much for her.
It was too much for everybody.
- There was one time I said I was raped
and I barely got it out without being in hysterics.
I always said I had sex and I said no,
and then I would just refer to it as, you know,
that night in February, the time that thing happened.
And then I would get to the assault
and I would refer to it as the assault
as if it were an event that I attended
as opposed to something that happened to me.
What's the different between sexual assault
and what's rape?
Sexual assault is a lot easier on the ears of everyone else
because rape is such a vile term.
But to say I was raped and not sexually assaulted,
I can probably say it with confidence now
in the past two years and it's been about seven years
since it's happened.
- As a guy there is certainly a stigma, I think,
attached to being a victim of sexual violence
because we are expected to not be victims
and if you are, it's because you failed
or you were weak, or there was something wrong with you.
There is a difficulty in this society of believing
victims at all and I think that's what's really tough
is that it can happen to anybody.
Society programs us to see a victim in their head
and it's not me.
You really start to doubt if you actually
were a victim and it makes it harder
to believe your own story.
- Not only was I admitting to something that happened
to me, but I was also admitting that something
that society has always pushed so negatively
and it really isn't a gender issue.
- For the person who is struggling to believe
themselves, first check in with yourself,
understand those gut feelings
and from there, have the courage to dig.
Now is the time to start the healing
because it's never your fault.
- I understand that there are certainly other guys
out there like me.
The key thing to remember is you're not at fault
for being a victim.
It's always and only the fault of the perpetrator.
- Bad things happen to good people,
but good people become beautiful people
and I don't mean that physically.
I mean that in that your trials and the tribulations
you're going through make you so much stronger
as a person later on.
- It's a courageous act to actually get past the fear
and understand your trauma and understand
what you've been through.
I commend anyone who attempts to do it.
Don't do it alone.
- If it just happened, please, please, please
go get checked out, go get a rape kit.
You do not have to prosecute right away,
you don't have to decide to, but give yourself
time to process.
- I can identify with my body now.
Before, this was just a thing I carried around
because I was so detached from my body.
I was detached from myself and now I am a whole being.
Too many of us are halves or were pieces
because of the traumatic experience we've had
and I'm slowly but surely regaining that confidence
and it's only going to get better from here.
- It hurts and it's the worst feeling in the world
and for the longest time, I thought nothing worse
can happen to me.
Healing has brought me such clarity,
embracing every part of me, the good, the bad,
and what happened to make me into who I am today.
- I have a therapist.
I also go to group therapy.
I am well aware that this is tough and I cannot
do this alone.
So survivor, believe yourself and get the help.
Get the help to actually heal from what was done to you.
(acoustic guitar music)
(squeaking hinges effect)
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