So if you just heard about NVC it could
be that you have some misconceptions
about it that may not serve you. So I
just want to address them. Starting! First
misconception: NVC is about being nice.
You know the word 'nonviolent' kind of
seems to suggest this. But a really
important part of NVC is expressing
honestly, and this is not always what
people might call nice. For example I was
dating this guy, and I liked him, but I
wasn't physically attracted to him
as much as I would like and usually
what I would do then is kind of you know
dump the guy or just yeah, not
continue with him without saying
anything. And now I felt like: okay fuck
it, I don't have anything to lose, I'll
just talk to him about it in an NVC way.
We had this really great
conversation about what we find
important in relationships and after a
while I was like: shit this guy is really nice.. so now I've
been living together for two years with
this guy that I thought at first was not
so attractive.. this is a warning, this is what
NVC can do to you, you might end up with
a really nice guy. But anyway, I said
something that wasn't nice, I said it in an
NVC way, and it was really connecting and
that's in the end what NVC is really
about. Second misconception: NVC is about
manipulating people.. and I guess with
manipulating you mean something like
someone tries to make you do something
and is not really transparent about
this. And yeah I guess that some
people try to use NVC this way
because they're really desperate to get
what they want, you know.. And I did it as
well, like sometimes, when I feel really
desperate, I try to convince someone
using NVC or using, you know
whatever I have to convince someone, and
this is not what NVC is about,
the goals of NVC is to connect with
other people and as soon as you don't
have that as a goal, people will notice.
Like people will notice kind of the
incongruence between..
people will notice kind of the gap
between what you're saying and what your
body is showing. So if this happened to
you, like you had a sense that someone
is listening to you in an NVC way just to
make you do something, I get that this is
very unpleasant and this is not what
NVC is meant for, and yet it
may happen. So if you notice yourself
doing this I just would like you to have
some self compassion, because it just
means you're very desperate for this
thing that you want, and you just really
want it really badly which is so human..
so just notice it and see if you can
again.. see if you can be honest about it
like, 'oh I notice myself wanting this so
much that I really want to convince you
into doing what I want.' Something like
that. You know the word manipulation in itself
is kind of a judgment, so.. Third
misconception: NVC is just a
communication model. I've heard it a
couple of times in my trainings as well
and I don't agree with it, because NVC is
really a mindset. The principle behind is
that there is no such thing as a right
way to do things and a wrong way to do
things, and that, I don't know, society or
God or your parents know the difference,
you know, what is the right way to do
things and what is wrong what to do things.
Instead NVC says that it's most helpful
basically to look at what works for both
parties, or all parties involved and
that's more than a communication model,
that's really a way of living. So for
example what I did with my boyfriend in
the household: you 'have to' do
household chores right? And my idea was
that the right way to do that is to
divide them in two and we would just
each do the tasks that we are kind of
assigned right, that's the right way,
that's what I was taught.. but it didn't
work: my boyfriend didn't do anything and
I was mad, because I had this idea of
what should be done basically and
then I sat down with him, I had a talk
with him and we did it in a NVC way so I was
open about, you know, this idea that I had
that we should each do our tasks and we
were connecting about it and then
because I took the time to kind of go
beyond this idea of what was right and
wrong, my boyfriend kind of dared to open up
and to find in himself that actually he was
very willing to do anything in the
household if it would just be together
with me.
voila.. it's very cute right.. and it works:
we did that, we just do everything
together
for me it's a bit funny because it's not
so efficient, but in the end we do stuff
and we get stuff done and I got help for
it, so that's what's so great about it. To
have this willingness to go beyond
what is right and wrong, that takes
some effort and takes some
openness and this is also part of NVC.
so it's really not just about how you
talk - it's also about how you act and how
your mindset and this is what really
going to help you in the long run to
connect more with yourself and other
people and to create a happy life. So
these were the three misconceptions that
I had, if you have any other questions
you can put them in the comments and I'd be
very happy to get back to you. And if you
would like to see more videos, please
subscribe, because this way I can keep
you posted on any new videos coming
up, and this way more people will see these videos
which would make me very happy, so see you
next time, bye! And this is what really is
going to help you in the long run, you
know to turn around your life..
Welll..'turn around your life'..
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