I always used to think that why am not a boy ??
Then I would also had a girl friend ..
Neither I am able to go this side nor the other side .
Above all, the most important thing is
to even utter the word lesbian
In our place
it's basically against the society
When I was in class 9
my parents used to spend most of the time
with my sister and I became lonely .
Exactly then
someone came to my life
from siliguri ,she was cousin .
Gradually a friendship developed between us .
generally she got to know a lot about me
and may be for the sake of sympathy
she showed some love
or say gave me the permission to touch her .
That time, physically or emotionally
Anita was everything to me.
Whatever she said was right to me .
And for her I could do anything possible on earth .
But even after all of these
the relationship did not last
I was 18 or 19 then
and she was like 22 or 23 .
She came for studying .
then a distance between us created
Then one day she told me
that she is getting married
and I have to forget her
I did
I had to
But for quite a long period of time
I was not able to forget her .
I became addicted slightly .
used to drink alcohol
I even started to hide my identity .
I used to fool myself.
I used to pretend that I am a straight
And I like boys, not only that
I went to a hotel to spend a whole night
with one of the guy friends of my ex
But spent all the night in bathroom and cried .
In the morning I just left
the only thing I asked myself that
why I came here for what reason ??
I was abused from one of my neighbor .
He was like 70-75 years old then .
we used to call him chocolate uncle .
And he got chance to touch me
And when my mom got to know about that
Mom said that you did a big sin
Immediately I need to pray to God .
Initially I was not agreed
then I was tortured like a hell
And out of fear I agreed
then my mom dragged me to the temple .
and stripped me in front of everyone
people were looking at me surprisingly
I took my clothes ,wore and left.
Somehow I still feel that
on the day I bow downed my head
to the whole society
even today I am not able to look up
When I was in class 6 .
I fell in love with a senior
I wrote her one day but somehow
the whole class got to know about that
even our head mistress got to know about that
Headmistress asked me that
"do you love her that ??"
I said yes .
Other teachers were saying that
"she is ill that why she is talking rubbish "
I didn't understand those meanings
why I was ill ??
They asked my dad to consult with psychiatrist
I didn't go because psychiatrist met for mad people.
even I used to think like that
There was some seniors in my school
they used to bully me all the time
" you are a boy why you are studying here "
"wear shirt pant instead of skirt"
The feeling was kind of suffocating inside .
on the day of platinum jubilee of our school
in front of everyone they declared that
I am a lesbian and
what I have done so far ..
And at this age if I am like that
then god knows what she would be in future ...
But don't know why?still now am not able to have sex...
ultimately ..
Don't even able to be in a relationship
And that day in front of everyone x students ,
teachers , guardians in front of everyone
they bullied me and make fun of me
and pushed me to think that lesbian is a joke
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