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Sometimes Love Needs A Little Push - "Wedding Video" - Full Free Maverick Movie!! - Duration: 1:24:06.
(triumphant orchestral music)
- [Narrator] Ah, wedding videos.
A visual record of the celebration of commitment and love.
Something to dig out of that box in the closet
when you need to be reminded of the time
when life was simple and pure.
Too bad this whole fucking boring.
(tires screeching)
Some cousin holding a shaky camera,
family members struggle of things to say
and wind up sounding like the complete idiots
they probably are.
That's where I come in.
My name is Virgil Crumb, esquire,
and I am a genius filmmaker.
(cup clanking)
(laughing nervously)
Anyway, I felt it was my duty to revolutionize
the concept of wedding video
to transcend the genre
to create an art form that would
rank among the most important films of our time.
The Godfather, Citizen Kane, Caddyshack, too.
In a word, masterpiece.
I wanted to make a film with conflict.
Now, this was my couple.
You're probably asking, why is she so angry?
And why is he such a wuss?
Genetics, mostly.
But they're also experiencing
a very painful breakup
and they're each expressing their grief
in very different ways.
Now, it's up to me to set things right again.
I owe it to them.
But, most important,
I owe it to the world.
I must finish my film!
I mean, I must get this couple back together again.
How?
That is my challenge.
(typing keys)
What's wrong with this keyboard?
Oh, oh my goodness.
Oh dear lord.
(church organ music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(whimpering)
- I'm here with Brock Liller,
the Wildcats' lefty ace after a disappointing
fourth loss in a row.
So Brock, you've allowed 13 earned runs
in your first two starts against Rochester.
What's your problem?
(dramatic orchestral music)
(metal clanking)
(sobbing)
- I've had a couple of rough alleys
but hopefully I can turn things around.
- Whatever you say, meat.
- What did you call me?
- Tell me,
what is your reaction to the rumor
that the team is sending you down to double A?
- What?
- Please, you can't honestly be surprised.
My 12 year old cousin
can throw a better curve ball than you.
And she's got polio.
- Coach!
- Well, there you have it,
the Wildcats continue their losing ways,
strapped with a cash poor owner
and a team full of talentless crybabies.
From TV12, I'm Kristin Dillon.
(dramatic orchestral music) (sobbing)
(water running)
(sobbing)
- So the reciprocal of the equivalent resistance
of the parellel circuit
is caused by adding the reciprocals
of the individual resisters.
Please kill me.
- Mr. Cole, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Are there any questions?
- Here, watch this.
Tuna fish.
- In a can, in a can, in a can.
(stifled laughing)
- Anyone?
Let's move on.
- What the hell was that?
- Dude, he's got all these weird superstition things
this kid told me,
he isn't aware of half of them.
(teacher sobbing)
- Susan, yeah it's Kristin. (dramatic orchestral music)
Me?
Oh yeah, great.
Great, yeah, things couldn't be better.
Yeah, I feel like this is the best time of my life.
So many things I can do now.
(upbeat rock music)
- So have you heard from her?
- No.
- Have you called her?
- No.
- Are you gonna call her?
- Would you just lay off?
- Fine.
I think you should call her.
- It's complicated.
- No, I understand.
What do you think of her?
- She's all right.
- All right, what are you,
she's smoking!
You see, that proves that you still love her.
- Of course I still love her.
- Then call her!
- I told you, it's complicated.
- Yeah, you're complicated.
She's just all right.
- Yeah, Susan listen,
I wanted to return the lovely
melon baller that you gave us.
You can come by any time, pick it up.
Sure.
- Then the judge ruled the evidence inadmissable.
He says attempted tampering.
I mean, tampering, can you believe it?
The whole case fell apart right there.
- You know, you and I are a lot alike.
We're misunderstood,
we're under-appreciated in our town.
Kept down by the man.
- What do you do?
- I work at a comic book store.
- Kevin, I'm gonna take off.
- Who's Kevin?
My name's Baltazar (laughs).
- Whatever you say.
- So do you know Judge Judy?
♪ You make my whole world
(somber rock music)
- [Woman On TV] They're going to kill us,
we can't stop it.
- Who watches this crap?
(various voices from television)
- Kevin?
Kevin is that you?
(doorbell ringing)
- Are you kidding me?
It's after 10 o'clock.
Can't you wait until morning.
It's just a goddamn melon baller.
- What are you doing?
Stop screwing around.
(yelling)
(dripping liquid)
- What are you doing here?
- Kidnapped!
What do you think I'm doing here?
- Calm down.
- You calm down!
(whimpering)
You look great, by the way.
- What?
- I said you look great, by the way.
- Thanks.
You do too.
- What's going on, who's doing this to us?
- I'm doing this to you.
Hello Chris, hello Kristin.
You remember me, don't you?
Wedding videographer.
The man whose career you completely ruined.
- Huh? - What the hell?
- Tony, make sure the ropes are secure.
- What are you doing?
Is this a joke?
- Did the check bounce?
Did you bounce the check?
- I didn't bounce a check.
- You never balance your checkbook.
- Oh my god, do we have to talk about this now?
- Nobody bounced a check.
I brought you here because you ruined
my wedding video.
- You mean our wedding video.
- Wrong!
It was my vision.
You are merely actors.
Cattle.
Lovely couple that somehow lost sight
of what's important,
so, I have taken it upon myself
to steer you back upon course.
- What are you saying?
- My baby needs a happy ending.
What would a wedding video be without one?
I've brought you here to watch this
incomplete work of near perfection.
By the end, my hope is that you will see the foolishness
of your ways
and recognize how perfect you are for each other.
Then, I can have my happy ending.
- Told you I didn't bounce the check.
- Well, you really should keep checking your balance.
- I do.
- You don't!
- Would you please shut up?
You will sit there, watch the video and realize
that you were meant to be together in wedded bliss.
Okay?
- [Together] Okay.
- Enjoy the show.
(mischievous music)
(projector whirring)
- [Narrator] Chris Cole and Kristin Dillon.
Happy couple, or doomed lovers?
(upbeat music) (crowds cheering)
How can something so full of promise
turn so very wrong?
(building collapsing) These questions
and more will be answered in the wedding video!
(soft explosion) A film by Virgil Crumb.
(projector whirring)
- Good, there you are.
So, I was wondering, maybe you need me
as kind of an on-camera personality?
- [Virgil] What do you mean?
- I can interview people, you know.
Do little bits.
You know, I minored in broadcasting in my JC.
- [Virgil] I think I have it handled.
- Oh, here we go.
And my first guest
hails all the way from the majestic city of Toledo, Ohio.
Here he is, the groom of all grooms,
Mr. Chris Cole.
- (Laughs) Thank you.
Hey, let me ask you a question.
Should I say I do, I will, or damn straight?
(laughs)
- Leave the funny to me.
Right this way, have a seat.
(blowing)
Woo, glad you could make it!
So, this is it, the big day.
- Yup.
- Ah, marriage.
To love and honor.
Two becomes one.
The end of your freedom.
Tell me something,
how is it you are not completely panicked?
- (Laughs) Well, Barbara.
- Kevin.
- Kevin, I really don't see what there is
to be panicked about.
I mean, Kristin's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
It's really very simple.
Plus, I've got my lucky spatula.
(kiss smack) (Kevin chuckles)
- Well, if you say so.
'Cause if it were me,
I'd totally be freaking out right now.
I mean, the thought of being with the same person
day in and day out for the rest of my miserable life.
(grunts)
I'd be a mess (laughs).
But hey, that's just me.
(heaves and coughs)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(heaves and coughs)
Sometimes reality isn't pretty, folks.
You have vomit on your chin.
- Chris has always been a good kid.
Little bit of a sissy, but what are you gonna do?
He has managed to land himself
one of the sweetest, finest,
pieces of ass I have ever seen.
Boy must be doing something right,
you know what I mean, ho boy.
(background chattering)
You think maybe we could delete that last part?
- I knew Kevin first.
We went to high school together.
He's the one who introduced me to Kristin.
I thought she was the most beautiful woman
I had ever seen.
(laughs)
- I thought he was a pervert.
- So let me run my toast by you.
To Chris and Kristin,
now there are two less lonely people in the world,
and it's gonna be fine.
- [Virgil] That's an Air Supply song.
- Yeah, all right, how about Kristin
you light up Chris' life.
You give him hope to carry on.
- Debby Boone.
- You know, okay, Chris, she loves you,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Virgil] The Beatles.
- All right, I'm just gonna tell that syphilis joke
like I wanted to.
- As far as the honeymoon goes,
Kristin wants to go to Fiji.
But I'm leaning towards Wichita.
It's actually a pretty nice city.
Plus, there's this conference
entirely devoted to the Pythagorean theorem.
Pretty cool.
Fiji it is.
(triumphant orchestral music)
- Is she in?
- Yup.
I'm gonna need her for a couple of minutes
before the beginning of the ceremony, so,
just try to stay out of the way.
- Excuse me,
you want me to stay out of the way?
Do you know who I am?
- I can get you in.
I'm in tight with the bride.
She's like my sister.
- Stills.
- Videographer.
(laughs)
- Also, you're gonna need someone to interview her.
- Thank you, thank you,
but I really don't need anyone to interview anyone.
- No, it's my pleasure,
I'm always happy to help out a fellow artist.
- What do you want?
- Look who we have here?
The maid of honor, Jennifer.
This lovely creature,
look at her, the beauty,
the poise, the elegance, oh, it's breathtaking.
Make sure your lens is out of focus.
- Bite me.
- This is a family show.
While we're on the subject,
maybe you should scrape off a couple layers of eyeshadow.
You'll frighten the children.
- Do you mind, we're busy here.
- Yes, and I would like to interview my sister please,
thank you.
- She's getting ready.
No men allowed.
(laughs)
So I guess that means you can come in.
(laughing)
(chattering)
- You look really pretty.
I just need to, if I could just, one more thing.
(laughs)
- Blaine.
- You look fabulous.
- Hello lady.
(laughs)
- Remember what I told you. - Yeah, okay.
- [Kevin] What, what he'd tell you?
- Nothing.
- Kevin, dear, try to stay out of the way,
we're very busy.
- You look nice too, mom.
- Oh thanks.
Laura, straighten your flowers, they're drooping.
Which reminds me,
you need a new bra.
- Mother.
Don't even think about filming.
My husband's a lawyer, he'll sue.
- And you, do you think you can get rid of that nose ring
for one day?
- I ain't doing a think without my bling bling.
- Is that an insult because I didn't bring my
english to hoodlum dictionary.
- Over here,
this is my favorite cousin, Cinnamon.
- Suck my dick.
- As you can see, she's becoming quite the lady.
Oh, and this is Kristin's friend, Heather.
Tell me, as an outsider,
what do you think of our wonderfully dysfunctional family?
- This family is not dysfunctional, do you hear me?
I am tired of everyone throwing that word around
every time someone remembers a Christmas
where they didn't get a damned pony.
- Hello, bride about to be married over here.
- I'm here for you.
- Thank you, Blaine.
Mother,
how do I look?
- It doesn't hang as well on you
as it did the headless mannequin.
- Mother.
- So, how does it feel having your only son getting married?
(whimpers)
- [Virgil] Eustice.
Eustice!
Where the hell is he.
Oh.
- Have you seen my husband Robert?
He forgot his boutonniere.
- [Virgil] No, I haven't.
- That man would forget his penis if it weren't attached.
- Yes, so, any words of wisdom for the bride and groom?
- What like, marriage is wonderful,
marriage is amazing?
It bites!
It's like a nightmare you can't wake up from.
And then one day you look at yourself in the mirror
and your realize I've been sentenced for the rest of my life
to life with the most boring
and I might add impotent man on the planet!
- Honey, my hemorrhoids are acting up again.
Do you have my suppository.
- That's it, I'm faking my own death.
- Honey, honey!
C'mon, pumpkin, I'm sorry.
- Oh, they're gone!
- [Virgil] What, who's gone?
- The bride and the groom.
They got into a fight and they stormed off.
- What?
They can't do this to me.
- Excuse me?
- I mean, that's a shame.
For them.
- Yeah, we've got to go find them.
- Um, can I still have cake?
- Whatever happened to the cake?
- I ate it.
- What?
- Not all at once.
- Do you know how much that cake costs?
- No, I don't, because you and your mother
wouldn't let me get involved with the preparation.
- I knew you were still mad about that.
- Excuse me.
You're not paying attention.
There's a flow to this movie.
If you miss something, you could get lost.
- Well it's not like we don't know how it ends!
- Tony!
Tighten their ropes.
(woman yelling)
- I'm only doing this for love.
- Got it.
- Okay then, roll the film.
- So as I see it,
this is an all encompassing look at the wedding process.
From proposal, through honeymoon.
- You want to go on our honeymoon with us?
- Not out of my own pocket, of course.
- It seems a little weird, don't you think?
- That's where most couples drop the ball.
Listen, when you're old and fat
and wondering why in god's name
you chose this pointless life for yourself,
you're gonna need something,
some positive memory to look back on
to remind yourself as to why you shouldn't
blow your brains out.
That's what this video will do for you.
I'm actually saving your life.
- I don't know, I mean what do you think?
- I think it's a great idea.
I mean it's a little unconventional,
but you know, so are we.
- Yeah.
- Plus, I already paid him.
(scoffing)
- Fine.
(laughs and claps)
- Fabulous.
Eustice, are you getting all this?
- Yes.
- What exactly does it mean by full access?
- Oh, it's just legalese.
Just go about your normal business,
and I'll take care of the rest.
- Okay, but I'm afraid you're not gonna be able to get
the proposal,
that's already happened.
We didn't get it on tape.
- Right.
(pins clanking)
- Can't I just do this in a restaurant like everyone else?
- [Virgil] This is more cinematic.
- So, you're sure the ring's gonna come out onto her finger?
- Trust me, I've practiced it.
- Here she comes.
♪ Chantilly lace and a pretty face
♪ Cheese!
You'd better hide.
- So, ready for another ass kickin'?
- Okay, one more game.
- Hello fair maiden!
- [Chris] Wait!
- What?
- [Chris] Where's your ball?
- I wanted a lighter one.
My wrist hurts.
- Don't touch my balls.
- What's your problem?
- So, tell me, Jennifer,
when did you first realize that Kristin was only
pretending to be your friend
because she feels sorry for you.
- You didn't tell me he was going to be here.
- You're the maid of honor
and the best man.
The two of you know Chris and Kristin better
than anybody else.
Besides, my film needs more conflict.
- You're looking for something to film?
Why don't you attach a camera to Kevin's huge forehead
and call it an idiot cam.
(popping)
- Or, you can follow Jennifer around,
film her day to day activities,
you know sell it to National Geographic
because they're always looking to discover new species.
(laughs)
(crashing)
- I don't want to be one of those guys
who leaves all of the wedding decisions to his fiance.
Nope, I want to take an active part in planning the wedding.
Okay, honey, we're almost there.
Okay, take off your blinds.
(soft harp music)
Huh?
Okay.
- Why are you dressed like Little Lord Fauntleroy?
- Just listen to my idea.
The whole wedding is medieval themed.
(medieval music)
Here me out.
You, me, the whole wedding party
is dressed as medieval royalty.
Yeah, now, when the minster gets to that part
where he says
does anybody here object to this marriage, blah blah blah,
Kevin comes out from over there
riding on horseback.
I said Kevin comes out riding on horseback.
(trumpet blaring)
- My shorts are riding up.
- Okay, then he challenges me to a duel.
And then we joust and then I kill him
and the whole crowd applauds
and then we get on with the ceremony.
What do you think?
(soft music)
Think about it!
It's gonna go great.
- He tries, I've got to give him credit for that.
But sometimes he's just clueless.
- You see, that's the trick.
I pretend to be oblivious to what's going on around me
that way, less is expected of me.
So anytime I do something right,
I'm the hero, see?
(laughs)
I know how to read a woman.
It's a gift papa taught me when I was a small child.
(projector whirring)
You like me.
(kiss smack)
(thudding) (grunting)
(slapping)
(thudding)
(birds chirping)
- This is so nice.
(symphony music) - Yeah.
Oh look honey, a giant beefsteak tomato.
- What?
- And he's holding something.
(gasping)
- It's empty.
- Mr. Tomato,
wasn't there something inside the box?
- Nope.
- I think there was.
- Fuck you, it was empty.
- Goddamn vegetables.
- I'm not a vegetable, I'm a fruit!
(thudding) (woman gasping)
- I think if I weren't a math or science teacher,
I would be a pro athlete.
- Really?
I never would have guessed.
- Well, sports are mostly mental, you know.
- I've heard that.
What kind of sport would you play?
- What's that one on the ice with the little broom?
- [Virgil] Curling.
- Oh yeah, that's it!
I would curl the (beep) bitch out that slidey thing.
- Towards the kitchen.
Turn it, turn it towards the kitchen!
I wanna see the expiration date on that milk!
Eustice, what are you doing?
Pull that up!
- But someone could trip.
- I am a student of the cinema vary, Eustice.
I can't be pinned down to one location.
I need to flow with the action.
(soft, quirky music)
(pounding in background)
Now what are you doing?
- I am reading the light meter.
- Huh?
- It is measuring how much light is reflecting off the wall.
- I knew that, I'm just saying we don't need it.
- But we need to take into account the appeture,
the shutter speed, and--
- Listen to me.
Filmmaking is about the heart.
Not a bunch of egghead calculations and light-o-meters.
- It's a light meter.
For your information,
I graduated from the Bombay Film School.
My teacher show won a department award and I was
even accepted to the Cannes Film Festival.
- I don't care what kind of hot shot you were
back in school
or a this so called Con Film Festival,
if it even exists!
This is filmmaking in the real world
and you need to check your ego at the door, mister.
(buzzing)
And listen to me.
Your master (grunts). (thudding and clanking)
(gasping)
- What are you doing here?
- Full access, remember?
- How did you get in?
And who are they?
- Is that a camera?
- Never mind them, just go about your normal business.
Pretend like we're not here.
(quirky music)
- This is crazy, we should just call the whole thing off.
- You're the one who said it was unconventional, like us.
- Could you speak up, please?
Unless you'd like me to wire the two of you.
- Do you mind?
We're trying to have a private conversation.
- Sorry, nothing is private until after the honeymoon.
Read your contract.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
- Are you kidding me?
This is the best question you can come up with?
Lame!
- A blue spruce!
They can survive in a variety of climates,
plus they make great Christmas trees.
- She's right.
This is a lame question.
- So, would you say that you are Chris' best friend?
- Oh, I know I am.
We signed a contract.
- [Virgil] What do you mean?
- We drew one up in 7th grade.
We are legally bound to be each other's best friend
for no less than 50 years.
My babysitter was a notary.
- [Virgil] So you've stuck together all this time?
Impressive.
- Yeah, we can break the contract though
if either Joe Montana, Mr. T, or
pretty much any hot girl comes between us.
- You wanted to be friends with Mr. T?
- Yeah, still do!
I pity the fool who doesn't give Kevin tips on
no loan mutual funds.
- Please tell me you didn't let Kevin do
his Mr. T impersonation.
- I promised myself to not let my mother
take charge of this wedding
because I am determined to do it my way.
- I love that, I love the little ribbon,
but I really think it needs rhinestones.
- I love this one!
- No you don't.
You like the fourth one you tried on,
the one with the short sleeves.
- No, that one made me look fat.
- Well somethings can't be helped.
- I think I should be able to choose my own wedding dress.
- I understand.
And if you had better taste I'd be all for it.
As it is, we'll take the one with the short sleeves.
(sighing)
- Let me try this on.
Very cute.
(chipper symphony music)
Are the flowers edible?
- [Sales Clerk] Of course.
- We've decided, we're gonna go with the four tiered
chocolate and coconut cake.
- Mother, I'm allergic to coconut.
- No you're not, your father is.
Oh, what do you think of these invitations, dear?
Oh, I really love the border and the gold script.
Honey?
It is your wedding.
I think you'd be a little more interested
in the most important day of your life.
I am not criticising.
(sighing)
- It's always been like that.
She treats me like I'm some idiot Barbie doll.
(loud, zany music) (children yelling)
- [Narrator] All right, kids,
it's time for the Chris and Kristin show!
- [Woman] Hi, my name is Kristin and I'm so pretty
and smart and pretty.
- [Gravely Voice] I'm Krisin's mother.
(laughter)
You look fat!
But you never do anything right
and you're marrying a big tool.
- [Woman] But I love him ever so much!
- [Man] (laughs) Hi Kristin, I'm a big tool!
Will you marry me?
- [Woman] Oh yes, yes.
Now just lick me with that big tongue of yours.
(kiss smacking) (audience laughing)
- And scene. (applause)
- So what's this about a puppet show?
- Tuna fish.
- In a can, in a can, in a can.
Have you seen my giraffes?
- Okay, so I'm gonna have Jennifer, Laura,
Heather and Cinnamon as my bridesmaids,
and then you can have Kevin, that creepy math teacher,
Laura's husband Robert, and then Blaine.
- Wait, what?
You want me to put Blaine in the wedding party?
- He's one of my best friends.
- Yeah, best friend that's trying to get down your pants.
- He's gay!
- So he would like you to believe.
But have you ever seen this so-called boyfriend?
- I am so tired of having this conversation.
You're insane.
- Why should I pick one of your friends to be a groomsman?
I already have to use Robert and Kevin.
- Kevin's your best friend.
- [Chris] Yeah, but he's your brother.
That should count as half each.
I only get one and a half of my people
and you get two and a half.
- No math before breakfast.
- I'd like the flowers delivered at 10 a.m. sharp.
And if anything is wilted, anything at all,
you won't see a dime, do you hear me?
Well, it's about time.
But don't worry, I saved the day as usual.
Now, let's talk about the boutonnieres.
Or, no I tell you what,
let's not do the boutonnieres,
let's talk about the bouquets.
- Do you think it'd be possible if I--
- No.
- [Mother] I want something different,
what do you think, never mind.
- [Virgil] So, what would make a woman like you
become a sports reporter.
- What do you mean, a woman like me?
- I just mean we don't see a lot of younger,
attractive females in your profession.
- So what are you saying, I'm soft?
- What?
No, I--
- I'll arm wrestle you right now.
Right here, right now, I'll take you down, film geek.
- How do you feel about Kristin's friend, Blaine?
(blowing)
- Kristin, Kristin's what some people call a guy's girl.
(grunting) She is the package.
She's smart, she's stylish, she's a complete witch,
and I mean that in a good way.
I like her when she's a beastwood kind of way,
you know what I mean?
(grunting) Face it,
she's a thinking man's diva.
- No, that's the way we bought it!
(laughing)
- Kristin!
- [All] To Kristin!
- To me, woo!
- Plus she's so freakin' hot,
pardon my French.
She can easily have any guy she wants.
Off the record,
I'm not exactly sure what she sees in Chris.
He's kind of a, what's the word, geek,
moron, loser?
Loser, that's the word.
Actually, he's more of a geek, moron, loser,
to put it all together.
Yeah, I mean, she could certainly do a heck of a lot better.
- [Virgil] Nothing's off the record.
(laughing)
- Totally joking, totally joking,
sometimes being gay gives me a dry sense of humor.
Chris knows I think he's totally scrumptious, okay?
Turn the camera off, bitch.
- I don't know.
- No, looks good.
- You don't think it makes my arms look too skinny?
- No, not at all, not at all,
you look very buff.
- Yeah, I think this shirt's a little too tight
around the biceps.
So a little bigger.
(laughs)
That is funny, yeah.
- Okay, which tie would you like, bow or standard?
- Actually, I brought my own.
I like giraffes.
Interesting fact about giraffes that not many people know,
during the winter they tend to.
- Ready!
- Why are you wearing that?
- I decided I like this costume, you know?
I mean there's something freeing
about not wearing underwear.
My boys can breathe.
- I think I'm gonna change the order of the groomsmen.
- Oh, you're afraid that Blaine is gonna make you look
small, weak and homely by comparison?
- Yes.
I mean, no, I mean,
do you think my arms look too skinny?
- Yeah, I don't see what the problem is.
He's gay.
Gay people are supposed to be hotter than straighties,
it's common knowledge.
- I don't think he's gay.
- Oh yeah, and aliens are watching us.
Relax paranoia Joe.
- They are watching us.
- I don't see what you're so worried about.
He is on the other end.
That's as far away from you as he can get
without being inside the cake.
Which I can arrange for you, by the way if you'd like.
- But he's standing next to Harold.
- What, the creepy math teacher?
- He's not that creepy.
(yelling)
You're all wet.
Is that sweat?
- Mostly.
I got all nervous thinking about standing in front
of all those people.
And when I get nervous, I sweat.
And my sinuses drain.
(soft orchestral music)
- If Blaine stands next to him,
he's gonna look like a Greek god by comparison.
- [Blaine] I am, skinny arms.
- I need him to stand between you and Robert,
that way people will only compare him to the two of you.
It's the only permutation that'll work.
- No math before lunch.
Where is Robert anyway?
- I am so sorry I am late
but I locked my keys in the car.
When I went to call Triple A,
it got towed, I ran after it,
and I stepped on a nail in the street
and I had to go to the hospital
to get a tetanus shot.
And I think the left side of my face is paralyzed
with false palsy.
- Yeah, I'd seriously consider that cake idea
if I were you.
- [Woman] This should fit just fine.
- Oh, it'll fit.
- Absolutely.
- Did anybody see that?
Anybody?
(quirky music)
- I really don't have a lot of female friends.
Jennifer's pretty much it.
- Look, I don't have time for your little interview game.
I am working, you know.
- [Virgil] It will only take a minute.
- Julie, Playdoh does not belong down Eric's pants.
You little monkey.
Oh yeah, where was I.
High school, Kristin and I
we were the popular girls
so we didn't need to hang out with Chris
or Kristin's loser brother.
- [Virgil] Why do you not like Kevin?
- Do you need to ask?
(whistles)
Ricky I swear I will shove that talking Elmo
down your throat if you don't learn to share.
- [Virgil] What about Heather?
- Who?
- [Virgil] Heather, she's one of your bridesmaids.
- Heather, yes.
Great, we're like sisters.
- [Virgil] So, Heather,
you've known Kristin since high school.
- Yup.
- [Virgil] How much has she changed.
Better hurry, my battery's running low.
(static buzzing)
(upbeat rock music)
- The ring is inside.
(twinkling music)
(screaming)
(metallic clanking)
(screaming) (dramatic music)
- [Virgil] So, how did Chris actually propose to you.
- We're never to speak of it.
(laughing)
- Come on, let's go inside!
- A psychic?
Forget it, we have to work on the guest list.
- Come on it'll be fun.
Come on, come on.
- Okay, we'll go in.
- Yes! - But you know how you get.
So don't take anything she says too seriously.
This is purely entertainment.
- Of course, I don't believe in any of this stuff anyway.
- [Kristin] All right.
(upbeat music)
- It's raining men.
Come on, honey, it's just entertainment.
- She called me a witch!
- Well, there are good witches!
Remember Glenda from The Wizard of Oz?
- She said I was full of evil energy
and I would destroy any chance of your happiness!
(yelling)
- Well no relationship is perfect, come on.
- So, I hear you had a secret bridal shower.
That violates the contract.
- It wasn't very exciting, you didn't miss much.
- Anything interesting happened?
- Ruth gave me a crock pot
that was pretty much the highlight.
- [Virgil] So, it was actually pretty boring then.
- Yeah.
Oh, except that then she got in a fight
with Leah's new girlfriend.
- Really?
- Yeah, and then there was this Jehovah's Witness
at the door
and we accidentally thought he was the stripper
and Cinnamon totally had this guy rethinking his faith.
Let me tell you (laughs).
- You're not serious.
- No, it was nothing.
It was nothing.
But then my mother, she got totally drunk
and told everybody at the shower
that she had an affair last year.
- And I wasn't there?
- You didn't miss much, really.
Oh but then my grandmother was smoking pot
and caught the couch on fire!
I'm not kidding you.
- Eustice!
- So, where did all your superstitions come from?
- I don't have any superstitions.
I'm a man of science.
I don't believe in anything that can't be proven
by the rational mind.
(quirky music)
What'd you just do?
- [Virgil] Uh, cross my legs?
- Cross 'em the other way.
(laughs)
- What?
- I said cross 'em the other way.
Thank you.
- Chris and Kristin,
where do I even begin?
- When did they realize they had feelings for each other?
- After college.
You know, in fact, they would not even be together
if it weren't for me.
- [Virgil] How so?
- Well, love works in mysterious ways, my friend.
And that night, it worked through me.
- Go ahead, tell me.
(jazz music)
- The night was still.
Almost dare I say, too still.
The moon hung in--
- [Virgil] I only have so much time, you know.
- Chris came over to watch a movie.
I wasn't there.
Kristin was, they watched together, blah blah blah.
The rest is history (sputters).
- [Virgil] Where were you?
- Oh, I had a previous engagement.
(quirky music)
- What kind of engagement?
- You know, just wanna,
you have really nice shoes.
- Thank you.
- What's that?
- Yeah, where was Kevin that night?
- [Virgil] Maybe he had a date?
(laughs)
- Seriously, where was Kevin that night?
(static buzzing)
(mischievous music)
- Ready.
(growling)
- So, what do you think?
- Eh.
- You can go home right now.
- I'm kidding, come here, come here.
- Aren't you supposed to be watching a movie with Chris?
- My sister's home, he can watch it with her.
- Oh wait, the two of them alone, couldn't they, you know?
- Yeah right.
You imagine a bigger mismatch?
(kiss smacking)
(gasping)
- Oh no!
- What?
- You're taping this.
- Just a little.
- Well, I'm gonna want a copy.
- Okay.
(laughing)
(projector whirring)
- Kristin, did you like the movie?
- Yes Chris, I did.
It was very pleasing.
- I think I'd like to kiss you now.
Is that appropriate?
- By all means.
- Okay, that's not even close to how it happened.
- So, how did it all happen?
- Well, we were sitting here like we are now
watching a movie.
She like it, I didn't.
- It was Deep Impact.
- No, it was Armageddon, remember?
I made that joke, Armagetting tired of
- [Together] watching this?
(laughing)
- It was really funny
and we had a lot of wine.
I remember that.
- Wine?
I made my special margaritas.
- Oh, right, right.
I just remember we laughed a lot.
And then at one point, I inadvertently touched his shoulder
and we were just like
and we were staring at each other.
- I was paralyzed.
- Yeah.
- Should I kiss her, was this a signal,
or did I just want it to be a signal?
- Right and then when I realized that he wasn't going
to make a move
I leaned over and kissed him.
- Whoa, I kissed you.
- Maybe you were kissing a different girl?
- Well, maybe I should give that different girl
a little bit of this.
- What?
(moaning)
(mischievous music)
(glass breaking)
- We had some good moments, don't you think?
- Huh, yeah.
- You weren't even watching.
- Well excuse me for trying to escape
from a crazed lunatic!
- See, nothing's changed.
You're like the least romantic person on the planet.
You don't even remember our first kiss.
- Yes I do.
I might have forgotten some of the details
but that doesn't mean I don't remember what's important.
- The details are what's important.
They make up the fabric of our lives.
- Where did you hear that?
- Dr. Phil.
- Look, I might not be as goofy or emotional as you are
but that doesn't mean that I didn't love you.
You cry at the drop of a hat
but that didn't stop you from being a jerk.
- Psychic was right.
Witch.
- I heard that.
And I'm not a witch.
- If the witch had a hat, the witch had a hat.
More sausage please.
- Ha, and that's another thing.
You and those freaky quirks of yours.
Why don't you get some help already?
- What quirks?
(grunting)
(moaning in background)
♪ Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful
♪ Yo, gettin' busy wit you
♪ Uh it's all I want to do mother fucking
♪ La la la la la uh!
- Great.
- I don't think that's how it goes.
- Well, I think what Chris means is that
we're looking for something more--
- Not scary.
- Traditional.
- I ain't singing no fucking Phil Collins.
- Oh god no, nobody wants that.
- I like Phil Collins.
(shushing)
- Don't shush me, I don't like being shushed.
- Maybe if you were to sing something
a little more old school.
- Oh, you mean like Coolio.
- Yeah, I'm down with that.
Coolio.
♪ My dick sensory stick
♪ Kiss my stick
- There's no way we can let her sing.
- Yeah, I know, okay, but mother promised her.
♪ My dick sensor stick
- Can I at least pick the band for the reception?
- We're having a dj honey.
- Can I pick the songs?
- No, honey, no.
- Well this is insane.
Is there anything at all that I have a say in?
- Chris, weddings are complicated, okay?
Mother and I have everything worked out.
All you have to do is show up on time.
- Don't treat me like a child.
Give me something to do.
And would you shut the fuck up?
You are not black.
- Oh yeah, well, you're going bald.
- You are receding a bit.
- Fine, you can buy the groomsmen gifts.
- Fine.
I will, and they will be the best damn presents
that you have ever seen.
(snapping)
- Good for you, honey.
- [Chris] Thank you.
(organ music)
- Chris has always been such a sensitive boy.
It's probably because he never had
a positive male role model.
- [Virgil] What about his father?
- That (beeps)?
He was always at the bar getting (beep) faced.
Now he spends all his time with that bitch (beeps)
whore of a woman.
Lemon square?
- I'm not perfect
but that woman is a harpie,
and she coddles the boy.
I'm surprised he didn't turn out to be a fruit.
He's not a fruit, is he?
- [Virgil] He's getting married.
- Yeah, that ass.
- Dinner is served!
(laughs and moans)
- Great.
- Who are you again?
- Virgil Crumb.
We've met several times.
I am filming the wedding video.
- Well then who's that?
- That's my assistant, Eustice.
He's filming the making of the wedding video.
- This cat has not been moving for 10 minutes.
- He's also an idiot.
As an Ohio State Buckeye Alum,
does it bother you that a Michigan man
is marrying your daughter?
- Don't be absurd.
Why would I like a silly football rivalry
get in the way of my daughter's happiness?
(laughs)
- Thank you so much for inviting me to dinner
Mr. and Mrs. Dillon.
I'm really starting to feel like part of the family.
- I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said,
I was too busy averting my eyes from
the evil on your shirt.
- You had to wear that sweatshirt.
- It was the only thing I had clean.
- Kristin, how many times have I told you
the salad fork goes on the outside.
- Relax, Carol, you're too hard on your daughter.
Not much on presentation.
I hope the food tastes better than it looks.
- Mother and father insisted on meeting you
before the wedding.
- God knows why,
they'll forget who you are two hours after you leave.
- Tom, you're slouching.
- You're slouching too.
- A family of slouchers.
- So, where are you visiting from?
- The strange man talking to me,
make him go away.
Are you a jew?
- No, grandma he's Episcopalian.
Just like us.
- Wow, everything looks so delicious.
- Lettuce is limp, soup is cold,
and the lasagna's too salty.
- There's no salt in the lasagna.
- Well then it's too bland.
- I think it's perfect.
- Kristin, stop talking with your mouth full.
- Dad!
Dad, dinner!
- I just kicked the crap out of a group of
mutant, atheist zombie bastards.
- Grandpa, you're not wearing any pants.
- What did you invite the Queen of England?
- It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
- Get out of this house!
- Excuse me?
- I'll be goddamned if I'll allow
any Michigan paraphernalia in this house!
(quirky music)
- Dad, he's a guest.
- I fought in the Korean war, you know,
and the only thing that kept me going
was my love for the Buckeyes.
And Korean whores.
You didn't hear that.
- Take it off.
- All right, nobody's taking anything off.
Just everybody just sit down and shut up and eat.
(Kristin laughs nervously)
- Chris.
Thank you.
(quirky music)
- Who's he?
- Dad he's filming the wedding.
- Just pretend like I'm not here.
- Would be a lot easier if you'd stop
stealing my breadsticks.
- I think I killed him in the war.
- Please make it stop.
(wedding march music)
(chattering)
- I can't believe he's bringing that woman with him.
- Excuse me, Mrs. Cole.
Have you seen Chris?
- He was at the altar a minute ago.
Have you met Melba?
- Cheese.
- Melba it's a video camera.
If you say cheese, the people who watch it
will hear you say cheese.
- Oh, okay.
Cheese.
- So, you haven't heard?
- Heard what?
Don't tell me they've called off the wedding (laughs).
- [Virgil] Well.
- Here they are.
How do I look?
- You look fine, dear.
- I can't believe she wore that to a wedding.
- I think she looks nice.
- You're supposed to be on my side.
- Oh I'm sorry Ruthie,
I could call her a whore if you'd like.
- Hi Ruth, Melba.
- Hi Trish.
- Hi whore.
- So, Trish, what have you been up to?
- Go ahead, tell 'em.
- Well, I just signed up for classes at the learning annex.
I'm gonna be a doggie dental technician.
- What.
- Yeah, even dogs need good proper dental hygiene.
Just like us humans.
They don't even floss on a regular basis.
- That's very admirable.
- She's very admirable.
- I know.
I'm a humanitarian.
Actually, I'm a doggie-atarian.
(laughter)
- He left me for this.
- Oh, a doggie-atarian (laughs).
She's hysterical (laughs).
(snorting)
- It's nice to see everybody here
dressed up like this.
I mean, who knows the next time
we're gonna see something like this again.
- Hopefully at your funeral.
- What?
- Nothing.
- This man has a curved penis.
- Oh, okay, well, I must go.
- Ta ta.
- What's going on,
has the wedding been called off?
- No, but Kristin told me
that she wanted to take some pictures at the zoo.
- The zoo?
- Yes, it has some sort of special significance.
You better run along and get set.
Monkey cages, I believe.
- Well, what about the wedding?
- How could there be a wedding without a bride?
- Monkey cages.
- Thanks man.
- Stills.
- You wanna get with this brown sugar?
- I have low blood sugar.
- Eustice.
- Hump me back, Taj Ma-hottie.
(yelping)
- I think I need a shot for the rabies.
- Eustice, the wedding's been called off.
I have to find out what happened and fix it.
- I know what happened.
- You do?
- Yeah, I got some of my own footage.
I am a filmmaker too, you know.
- Give it to me.
- Only if you promise to start giving me
the respect I deserve.
- Fine.
- And you must start giving me more important assignments.
- Yes, now can I have it?
- Oh, and can you get me more of the gummy bears?
Thank you.
You won't be walking anywhere now.
(fast paced symphony music)
- [Eustice] Now is my chance to do some stealth
undercover work.
- Who are you?
- Cover's blown, abort, abort!
- Are you Kristin's retard cousin?
- No, I'm Virgil's assistant.
- Whatever man.
- [Eustice] So, what are you doing here?
- I'm just
I'm just relaxing before I have to go in
and see that woman.
You know I spent half the rehearsal dinner last night
listening to her bad mouth me,
telling people what a bad husband and father I was,
how I was never there for them emotionally.
Where does she get this crap, I mean,
she said I kicked the dog.
We never even had a dog.
- Actually, you had a Boston terrier named Buster.
- Really?
We had a dog?
Fuck me.
(kiss smacking) (clattering)
(laughing) - [Eustice] Who's there?
- She lost an earring.
- Like he'll buy that.
- Really, what does it look like?
I could help.
- No, don't worry about it.
We'll take care of it.
You, Chris is looking for you.
- [Eustice] For an interview?
- Yeah.
(inhaling)
- Score!
- Okay.
(giggling)
(soft music)
(static buzzing)
- [Cinnamon] What did you just say?
- That I'm singing at the wedding.
- Step off, bitch,
I'm singing at the wedding.
I heard it straight from the mother of the briz-ad.
- Well, Kristin asked me to sing.
- Oh no she didn't.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- It's all right,
it's all good.
(yelping)
- [Singer] Wait.
- You roll over on me?
You die.
- [Eustice] I prefer not to die at this time.
Told there would be no rolling over or under of any kind.
- Where the hell is Kevin,
we're just about to start?
- [Eustice] Oh, he lost an earring.
- The gifts you bought for us didn't show up.
Don't worry, you'll have it.
What did Kristin say,
she knew you were going to mess it all up
because you're a forgetful idiot,
so she bought backups.
- Great.
Let's go find Kevin.
(static buzzing)
(organ music)
- Hey sis.
Ha, we were just looking for you.
What's that?
- It's the bachelor party.
- Oh no.
(cheering)
Yes!
(coughing)
Are there chives in this dip?
- I told you I was allergic to chives.
- Okay, what do you guys wanna do?
(doorbell ringing)
- Gentlemen,
I have taken care of the entertainment.
- Oh, I don't think this is gonna be a good idea.
- I'm gonna need another one of these,
preferably in a Big Gulp.
- You would want a Big Gulp.
- Ah, you must be so proud of your father.
- Hello boys.
- [Men] Hi.
- Bonjour.
- I am your friendly neighborhood librarian.
And it looks like one of you has some overdue books?
- No. - Me, I do.
- And you know what that means.
- Yeah.
(ruler smacking)
- A hefty fine.
- Fine me!
I read with my hands.
♪ I want you in a bad way
♪ Knocking at your door
♪ I want you in a bad way
- I think I have a bookmark.
♪ Everyday just a little more
- Oh, this is so caveman.
♪ I want you in a bad way
♪ Little lady
♪ Touch me when I say
- Yes! ♪ I want you here with me
- What, it's a cute skirt.
(rock music)
- Oh god, look at those knockers.
- Dad, you're making me a little uncomfortable.
- Relax boy, it's your last night of freedom.
Take it off!
- What do you want to see her gallbladder?
- Yeah.
♪ Take me before you lose me
- You don't need to single me out.
- Sit.
♪ Grab me my heel when you say
♪ I want you in a bad way
♪ Knocking at your door
- Where, where, where is my inhaler?
Where?
- You lookin' for this?
- Yes, please!
- Here, catch.
(ominous chanting) (dramatic music)
- No!
- There are scallions in this.
(grunting)
- [Kevin] No, wait, it wasn't my fault.
- We're not supposed to see each other before the wedding.
- Okay, calm down, calm down.
It's a silly superstition,
it doesn't mean anything. - It's okay, it's okay.
- Let's focus people, focus.
- You said there was no stripper at the bachelor party.
- That was no big deal.
- No big deal.
Lying is no big deal.
I'll remember that.
- You see, he is a liar.
- Would you stay out of this, Blaine?
- No, I've sat back long enough.
You deserve better than him, Kristin.
- Someone like you, maybe?
- What, don't be ridiculous,
we're just friends, right?
- I saw the end of the tap, Blaine.
(moaning) (smacking)
(panting)
- Baby, you are so hot!
(moaning)
- You're not gay?
- I knew it!
- At least I didn't screw up the groomsmen gifts.
- You bought back ups.
- Well, I just wanted to be on the safe side.
Mother thought it was a good idea.
- See, you have no faith in me.
- Why should she?
The only reason you're with her
is to make you look like less of a geek.
I mean you don't love her,
she's just a prize to you.
- Is that true?
- Of course not.
You son of a bitch.
(smacking)
- Just think he has violence in his blood.
- Kristin,
I refuse to let you marry this
this wolverine.
- Calm down, let's not overreact.
Let's just get through today
and then we'll have something we can laugh at later,
you can tell your kids.
- If we have kids.
- What do you mean if we have kids?
- I don't even know if I wanna have kids with you.
- Oh boy.
- This is unbelievable, we're having kids.
End of story.
- End of story, end of story,
where do you get off saying end of story.
- I'm the man and that's that.
(laughs)
- You can't even change a tire.
- Yes I can.
Well, I know the theory behind it.
(mischievous music)
- All right, look,
I didn't say I don't want kids,
but I think we could discuss it.
- You discuss it.
I'm having kids.
- Well good luck with that.
- Do something.
- Delivery of four custom-made talking golf bags
for Christopher Cole.
- This is just great.
Which one of you gave that tape to Kristin?
- I did.
- [Jennifer] You did, why?
- I'll tell you why.
Ever since high school.
- There you are, curry baby.
(yelling)
- [Mechanic Voice] May I suggest a wedge, sir?
- It breaks my heart.
It really does.
To call off a wedding
because of a few little misunderstandings.
It's just plain silly.
You two crazy kids are meant to be together.
Everyone thinks so.
Here, watch this.
- I was always mending Chris' pants
when he was a little boy.
He was always splitting them.
Hung like a moose, even at the age of six
I used to tell Ruthie (laughs).
- What can I say that hasn't already been said?
Glad you asked.
By marrying Kristin you are in breech
of our best friends contract.
But I'll let it slide
'cause that's what friends do.
Provided you agree to the following provisions.
(clears throat)
One, from this day forward,
you will refer to me as Mr. Awesome.
(piano music)
- You two are gonna have gorgeous kids.
God, I hope you're sterile.
(piano music)
- Three, you will pay all expenses incurred
on my annual pilgrimage to Mr. T's hometown.
I'm just getting started.
- [Eustice] So, what do you think of Kristin.
- I haven't pooped in eight days.
- Marriage is the best thing in the world.
I love my wedding.
Of course I got second degree heat stroke
and then a piece of rice hit me in the eye
and scratched my cornea.
And then I took a bite out of the wedding cake
and it sent me into a diabetic coma.
But other than that it was perfect.
- [Woman] I don't have to answer any more questions.
I know my rights.
- I wish the happy couple all the luck in the world.
And remember, keep it creative in the bedroom.
Scented oil, candles, and
maybe a copy of the Kama Sutra.
- Son, I only have two words for you.
Inflatable midget clown.
(quacking)
- That's three words.
- God, I love a woman with a really big I.Q.
(door squeaking)
- I hope you like my present.
I wrapped it in real gopher skin.
(door squeaking)
- Five, you will make sure "Eye of the Tiger"
is playing every time in eat my power breakfast.
- Savor those first few years of marriage.
They're precious.
Then of course it all turns to shit
and you find yourself sitting at home
in your underwear
getting drunk on cooking Sherry
and watching Barnaby Jones reruns.
- Compromise is the key to any healthy relationship.
(smacking)
I mean, sometimes you just have to relax,
loosen up and let the other person do it their way.
Oh I didn't like that take, let's do it again.
I saw that.
Listen mister, I don't care if we're here all night.
Nobody leaves until it's perfect.
Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship.
- Seven, never wear plaid in my presence.
I'm serious.
- Marriage is a fucking institution
invented by fascist pigs (beeps)
loving fuckheads.
Oh and Aunt Judy sends hugs and kisses.
(kiss smacking and blowing)
- Always apologize, even if it's not really your fault.
And don't trust the liberals
with their global warming and their bogus hybrid cars.
Bunch of free spending cry babies.
Get a real car.
- Chris and Kristin,
I only hope I can find someone as perfect for me
as you two are for each other.
Oh who am I kidding,
I only seem to pick the loser men.
- Somebody call me?
- Their personalities complement each other.
Intertwining to create a rich tapestry
woven out of love,
mutual respect,
and undying partnership.
They are true soulmates.
- Cheese!
- You see,
you're perfect for each other.
So what do you say?
Are you ready to stop all this nonsense,
get back together?
They're gone!
Tony!
(moaning)
(mischievous music)
- That was amazing what you did to Tony.
I didn't know you knew jujitsu.
- I was saving it as a surprise for the honeymoon.
(gasping) - What?
(shushing) Don't shush me.
I hate being shush.
- There's a man standing over there by the car.
I'm gonna hit him in the head,
you grab the keys and you start the car.
- Why do you always get to hit people?
- Do you want me to hit you right now?
Let's go!
- You've really got to watch that temper.
- Won't let me come in.
Stand outside in the cold.
Just as much a right as Tony does.
I'm a filmmaker, too!
Wedding video jerk.
(yelling) (thudding)
- Sorry Eustice!
- The keys are in the car.
- Okay.
- Mother may I?
- Could you skip it?
- Skip what?
- Just drive!
What was that? (tires screeching)
- I think he's got a flat.
- Go anyway!
- It's bad for the car!
- It's not our car!
- Let me change it.
- Now?
- I can do it, I've been studying up on it.
- This is not the time to prove your manhood.
- You see, you're never supportive of me.
Blaine was right.
You think I'm a geek, don't you?
Yes or no.
- What answer will make you drive?
- Fine.
I'll drive.
Whatever you say, princess.
- Whoa, whoa,
what did you call me?
- You nearly gave me whiplash.
- Blaine was right.
You think of me as a prize.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Science guy nabs hot chick.
Geeks everywhere rejoice.
- I knew you thought I was a geek.
- Hello.
So much for Bonnie and Clyde.
(mischievous music)
- What is this raggedy fairy dress I have on?
Watch out!
- See what I mean.
- You wadn't kidding, wazzer.
- I didn't want to do it like this, but,
you left me with no alternative.
This video will have a happy ending.
- You can't make us get married.
Where's the minister.
- [Virgil] Tony here has been ordained
by the internet church of the infinite something or other.
- They didn't make me take a test or nothing.
- Well, we need two witnesses.
And you're not gonna want your name on any legal record.
- Very clever, but mama didn't raise no fool.
- Just an insane sociopath who kidnaps people
and forces them to get married.
- I'll ignore that.
You're wedding present.
- You shouldn't have.
- Eustice here will serve as one witness.
Oddly enough he has no fingerprints,
so he's not in the system.
- I have the eczema, fourth degree.
- Well who's the other one?
- Son of a bitch!
I was trying to grow a mustache.
- Kevin, what are you doing here?
- That lawyer chick got me kicked out of the bar
just as you were getting kidnapped
so I followed you here.
- What did you do to get kicked out of the bar?
- Nothing.
I made a joke about legal briefs
and then well.
- Nevermind.
- Touching as this reunion is,
we have a wedding to film.
Places everybody.
(dramatic music)
- Scuse me.
(triumphant music)
- Do I get a costume?
- No, now get ready.
- Oh, I don't have my spatula.
It's bad luck.
- Oh that explains everything.
And now it all makes sense.
The reason we were kidnapped,
tied up, and forced at gunpoint to get married
is 'cause you forgot your goddamn spatula.
- Are you mocking me?
- I think she's mocking you.
- Where do you get off talking to me like that?
You think you're perfect?
At least people like me?
- What is that supposed to mean?
- You're a mean person.
Yeah, there's a reason your own TV station
put you on probation.
You can't even get along with high testosterone
sports jerks.
I might have a bunch of quirks,
but that doesn't give you the right to treat me
like I'm some sort of freak.
- Ah ha, I knew you were aware of those,
but you just played like you were oblivious
so everyone would either ignore them
or feel sorry for you.
- Don't turn this back around on me
we're talking about you and how mean you are.
- Well how mean is it that you lie about your problems
to the woman you're supposed to marry?
- Did you ever think I never felt safe confiding in you?
You would tear me to pieces.
- Well thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt.
- All right,
all right, that's it.
You're the worst couple I've ever seen.
I have never in my life witnessed two people
who are so wrong for each other on every level.
- That's not very nice.
- You're horrible people.
How you ever got together in the first place is beyond me.
I may be a genius filmmaker,
but even I couldn't possibly make the two of you
come off as a loving couple.
- So what are you trying to say?
- I'm saying I quit!
That's it.
I quit.
I'm free.
Did you hear that, Eustice,
I'm free.
I don't care about you or you.
Marry each other, don't marry each other,
kill each other for all I care.
You'd certainly be doing the world a favor.
Either way, I don't want any part of it.
Eustice, come.
The world awaits.
Virgil S. Crumb, esquire.
- Where does he get off talking to us like that?
- You're telling me.
Who does he think he is?
- Guys.
- World's worst couple.
That's mathematically impossible.
- I know.
You know, I have half a mind to go over there
and kick his ass.
- You should.
- [Kristin] Yeah.
- Guys, hello?
We're free.
- Guess we are.
- Hey, do you really think I'm that mean?
- Of course not.
Well, sometimes you can be a bit harsh.
- Well that's putting it mildly.
- Stay out of this.
- Very mildly.
- It's just sometimes I get really frustrated.
- I know.
I give you a lot to be frustrated about.
Nobody should have to put up with all of my quirks.
- No, really, actually they're really cute.
- Really?
- Well, all except the one where you grab yourself
when you say red rover, red rover, send Timmy on over.
- I could change the name if you'd like.
- You don't have to change a thing.
(kiss smacking) (moaning)
- Get a room.
(chattering and cheering) (clapping)
(soft music) (cheering)
- Dad,
grandma,
thank you.
(laughing)
- The flowers were wilted.
The organist was off key
and I think the priest was drunk.
- It was fine,, mother.
- I can't believe you let her have a buffet.
- We have been through this before, mother.
- And still you do the wrong thing.
(cheering)
- Yay for us.
- Wee!
- Yay!
(laughing)
- We finally did it.
- Yeah.
- Mother may I.
- I love you.
- I love you.
(laughing)
(air blowing)
- I can fix it.
I know you can.
But let's go anyway.
(car starting)
(symphony music)
("Wedding March")
- We had a small reception at my parents' house afterwards.
It was nice.
My mother actually let me choose the napkins.
- They were pretty.
- My parents made it through an entire afternoon
without fighting.
- Yes. - Yup.
I would say the whole day was remarkably drama-free,
except when Melba called herself a whore.
- Yeah.
- Whatever, move.
Blah blah blah.
Listen, you hear the big news?
- Other than us getting married?
- Yeah, Eustice called me.
- Are you kidding?
- Yeah, apparently he's like this big shot producer
for one of those reality shows.
And he wants to hire me.
- Wow.
That's great. - That's good.
- What's the show called?
- Lesbian scavenger hunt.
See, now that's what I call a happy ending.
- The camera's still running.
(static buzzing)
(soft jazz music)
Kristin, will you marry me, Chris.
- Surprise!
Bet you didn't see that coming!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
(thudding) (upbeat quirky music)
♪ Cool as ice
♪ And I fall to your device
♪ And I give all I got to give
♪ You and me together
♪ You and me together
♪ Hey
♪ Hey hey hey
♪ All the lessons I learned
♪ All the lessons I burned
♪ Watch yourself you'll cut
♪ Your finger as you turn
♪ Into the face of the today
♪ What a pretty sensation
♪ I've got to keep you and me together
♪ You and me together
♪ Hey hey hey!
♪ I keep my feet above the ground
♪ And I'm so lost and I can't touch down
♪ Watch the world's gone bad
♪ Suicide
♪ And the sound of darkness
♪ Brings you and me together
♪ You and me together
♪ Hey hey hey
♪ Hey hey hey
♪ Get some
♪ Let's do it again
♪ You and me my friend
♪ It's not such a long, long way to go
♪ You start to believe
♪ You catch the disease (what!)
♪ It's got into you
♪ And now don't make
♪ Hey hey hey
♪ Hey hey hey
♪ Tight
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Robocar Poli Cars for Kids Baby Doll Microwave Toy Video for Kids Learn Colors for Kids BDTKSE - Duration: 5:26.
Robocar Poli Cars for Kids Baby Doll Microwave Toy Video for Kids Learn Colors for Kids BDTKSE
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